He Stands Before The Ashes in Hello

  • Jan. 14, 2025, 1:45 a.m.
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  • Public

Smoke swirls in the air, rubble lay strewn about…the bodies…and the smell.

Oh God, what have I done…

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3:24 AM
It’s been a day.
Mom was especially hard on me.

“Pull my trigger, I am bigger than…”

Here are some excerpts from a conversation with a friend earlier talking about the craving that came with the BS from my POV.

Arguing with mom about my short comings.

Why did I have to be born into a family of mental illness, drug addictions and alcoholism.

I hate that when I’m upset I’m an exposed nerve, everything gets to me.

And I’ve eaten so many good damned gummies that smoking is barely getting me high.

I want to FEEL something other than this.

And yeah, if I drink I’ll feel better for a few but tomorrow the bill comes due.

I’m already in a bad mood which will make it worse and I don’t want to wake up in the hospital again with stitches or from taking too many pills cause oh boo hoo woe is me!

It’s bad enough that I’m upset but then I get really mad at myself for having an addiction cause it’s feeding off the negative energy and I can’t “drink” like a normal person.

Yes. But I want to get drunk for a night and be done. What a normal person can do. Where if I drink it’ll rub that addiction spot like a wet pussy and I’ll want it more.

You said it’s nothing to get mad about but it is to me.

Sometimes it feels like I can feel my veins being scraped out.

What I really hate about all this? I get irritable and I’ll snap. I can’t help it. Apologies will follow but the best thing to do is to just stay out of my way. Everything, EVERYTHING, will piss me off.

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And that, my dear readers, is an example of what I go through when I crave alcohol.

This is what I mean by White Knuckle Ride.
I was given some bullshit in AA meetings that a craving is just an excuse to drink.

Oh ya?
Fuck you too!
I dare you, ANY OF YOU, to put yourself through the mental hell I go through every time I want alcohol.

285 Days Sober

5:57 AM

Yup.
No sleep tonight.
I’ve nearly gone through two packs of smokes since noonish.
I can’t get enough nicotine lately.


Last updated January 14, 2025


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