Stuck in Each Day

I’m doing all the right things, and yet I still feel stuck. Last week was a hard one, and for no good reason.
Monday I went to the gym, didn’t get the usual exercise induced headache, but ended up with a headache sitting in the auto shop waiting for a tire change. It was so bad that I actually felt concerned that I shouldn’t be driving. I got home, crawled into bed (after drugs and water), and slept until M got home 2h later. I still felt like shit, but M’s good company, better than inside my head when it’s throbbing.
Tuesday I called in sick. I woke up with a headache and just noped out of the day. It ended up being pretty good, despite the headache. Did some house-stuff, played some AC Odyssey, built my new bed frame (that was a stretch given the headache, but I was pretty pleased I got it done by myself). M came home in a foul mood, so I didn’t get to celebrate my achievement like I’d wanted.
I found out my Great Aunt (who was raised as a sister to my mom and aunt, because of their ages) has declined further cancer treatment and was admitted to hospice.
I went to bed early.
Wednesday morning I called mom to talk to her about my aunt. She also told me that my uncle/godfather was in the hospital with blood cancer and was refusing treatment. It’s a bad time in my family right now.
I had therapy in the afternoon, where I cried a lot about the state of the world (Jesus tap dancing Christ I don’t want to hear another word the tangerine tinted buffoon has to say), and my psychologist admitted that she is also struggling to stay optimistic given the last 8 years and how it is impacting minority groups (which is insane when you consider that if we worked together the facists are the true minority, but the internet and politics have done such a good job of pitting us against each other I’m not sure how we can get there). I told her how when the election happened in 2016, all of my communities said they were going to be targeted, and they were. It’s only going to get worse, now.
I also met the psychologist who is leading the new DBT group that was starting the next day. She’s interesting, and has a focus on ADHD, so I have a bit more hope for the course this time around.
Wednesday afternoon Mandy and I met up and went to a little shop downtown that sells witchy shit. We scoured the shop for about an hour, talking to the woman who worked there, who Mandy new through a local Con volunteer thing. I bought a spinner MOOD ring! It’s my favourite thing despite discolouring my finger. I’m actually thrilled with how often it changes colours. It is currently a pinky purple. I also got some coloured candles (pink (compassion, emotional healing) white (balance, peace, truth) black (wisdom, releasing)), stickers and a patch and she gifted us both a little raw moonstone. It’s pretty neat. I was a little bummed that it was mostly Dianic/Celtic Wiccan in the shop. I asked if they had alabaster, or anything Kemetic, and she said no to both. Still, I’d go back. We went onto a Taiyaki shop, which neither of us had tried. It was so good! We both got Korean BBQ chicken ones for dinner and she got a maple cinnamon for dessert and I got a red bean (I always like to try asian dishes the traditional way), but also a lemon curd, which I tasted and immediately saved for M, because he loves lemon. After that we went our separate ways, with plans on another lady date to two other occult shops.
Thursday’s DBT group went ok. It was mostly an intro. One of the members talked about their disinterest in the course, so I offered, in a separate comment not connected to hers, that I took the class before, and that it wasn’t right for me at the time. But that I came back. The psych made a comment about how “brave” it is to come back and that really bothered me because that wasn’t the point of why I said that. I know what it’s like to feel like something isn’t going to work, and it’s legit that it might not work. But that doesn’t mean that it’s wrong, period. Just wrong right now. I wish she hadn’t said that and changed the context of my words. I’m fixating on it because I don’t like being misunderstood.
Friday… was a day. Work was meh. I had my second meeting about my “correction” and supervisor said he was happy with my progress (what progress, I’m doing time until I can leave this fucking section). It came up about me leaving and he implied that I wouldn’t be going where Old Boss and I had discussed, implying that I’d be going to a unit even closer to the shit than ours. No dude, I need away from this shit. Not closer.
I had excellent plans with a friend I don’t get to see much anymore, lets call her Erica, but when we arrived at the place we were meeting we found it was closed. She said she was planning on driving into the country after we were done, so we agreed that she should do that while it’s still light, and we’ll try again next week. While I was waiting for her to arrive I found someone selling the trestle table legs I’d been scouring the internet for, so I arranged to pick them up, knowing I’d probably hit rush hour. I set my mind on driving slow and listening to some good music and the trip turned out much easier than I’d expected. After making dinner with M (Hello Fresh Korean BBQ tacos, possibly my favourite so far) he helped me get the desk legs set up. We screwed the connecting plate to the underside of AB’s old formica table, and now I have a drafting style table for next to no money! I immediately sent a pic to The Odd Lady and she loved it.
This whole weekend has felt weirdly abbreviated. Friday night was short only getting home at 5pm. Saturday Bastet came to visit, and it was lovely to catch up with her. We talked a lot about her new house and the BS that is our provincial power company - our bill went up 144%!!!! We also promised to not let 9 months go by without a visit. We got new wireless surround speakers (because M’s stereo set up shit the bed spontaneously last weekend) so getting those set up was weirdly stressful, and M threw out his back, so there was no sexy time Saturday night.
This morning I went to brunch with Red, her dude, and Mandy, and I haven’t been able to settle since I got home, mostly feeling anxious about work tomorrow.
Which, on that note, I should get to bed.