I took a pregnancy test on Friday night
It was positive.
I don’t know if I am a fool or a terrible person. Because I was trying to get pregnant, but I didn’t well up with happy tears. I wanted to crawl out of my skin.
I wanted to run, to edge of the earth, to feel free and be by myself.
After I had my son, I felt like I broke into a thousand pieces and slowly reformed. It was beautiful but also hard. I feel like the parts that made me who I am got lost and I’ve only just begun to find them again.
I will have to sacrifice a lot with a second child, with the added cost and increased difficulty of working while only using free childcare (family). My mom can’t watch a toddler and a newborn by herself. I don’t make enough at what I do to justify daycare costs. I will also have to give up my office to convert it into a nursery, and there really isn’t room for my computer and supplies anywhere other than the kitchen.
There is also the physical strain of pregnancy with a toddler who doesn’t sleep through the night. What if he still doesn’t sleep when the baby comes? Will I just slowly go insane from sleep deprivation?
I am scared that I will be split in two, even more than I am now. No more moments of reprieve during naptime, or when someone else has the toddler because now there will also be a baby.
And then there is body image. I recovered fine from my first pregnancy but I hated my changing body, and now it will happen even faster. I’m only 5 weeks and I can already feel it.
At the same time, I wanted a second child, my family didn’t feel complete, but I wonder if I am a fool for thinking I can handle 2.
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