Hallow-whine in The Rant Dump

Ah, dear. It’s been ages since I last visited this site. I would write on paper on an ordinary day. It’s still an ordinary day today. Well, that’s the problem. I’m sick of ordinary days. Because what I call ordinary, is the stupid routine I do not have the guts to break off from.

I’ll be on duty in a while– a 10PM-6AM shift, by myself. The only reason I was able to convince myself to go on duty is that I kind of like my group mates. And now, I’ll be on my own, doing a job I dislike, on a shift that makes me feel drugged.

This is incredibly stupid. I am stupid. If I didn’t like what I’m doing in the first place, I should’ve done something about it, no? I’m still on the quest of finding a profession I would be happy with. No, I’m not looking for the ‘perfect’ job. I learned that keeping expectations like that would only make me miserable. Just, I don’t know, something other than this.

I’m 21 years old. Many people would say that I am quite young and capable of pursuing what I want. Upon analysing myself, I realize that I lack the daredevil attitude to defy all odds and the optimism to make things work somehow. I suppose I need to start there. Gotta start somewhere. It’s…going to be hard, for me, at least.

I acknowledge that I need help. Advice, counsel, I don’t know. I need someone to direct me. I’m not very good with freedom. For the moment, that is. I just…need to get things laid out properly, like training wheels, then I can take off by myself.

While waiting for my evening shift, I’ve done a Supernatural marathon. I’m on Season 7, and it disappoints me. Not because of the absence of Castiel and Bobby, no. More like, the story’s not exciting anymore. But I’m going to push through. I think the show’s on Season 10, and that got me curious.

Okay, I’ve decided to go to work tonight. Oh, not like it’s really work. I don’t get paid. But I have to do this, anyways. “Training.” I’m gonna man up and, er, suck it up. Maybe I’m just depressed because I haven’t done anything today. I find that I am at my worst when I don’t get my daily dose of physical activity.

Right. Gonna take a shower. I don’t really pray, but… I’m asking for guidance. I don’t need spoonfeeding. Just, something. Anything. An idea, an inspiration. It would help a lot.

Last updated October 31, 2014