About Him in Him

We initially met online.
He was from this city. We bonded via a few short emails and one telephone call.
We met in 3 days since he was in town.

He was quirky like me. He was extremely intelligent. I was in the height of my poetry and prose writing. I shared a few pieces. He enjoyed them. He shared some of his writings with me. We bonded.

10 years later we still are stuck liked old adhesive despite the times I’ve tried to let go. He is a hard habit to break.

He calls me his vice.
I call him my disease.
His fianceé calls him…I don’t know what she calls him.

We’ve been at this thing for nearly 10 years.
I’ve had the chance to date and have dated willingly when I did. It just never worked out.

He takes care of me sometimes.
I asked for $10 & he gave me $50.
He offered to buy me new glasses since mine look like the work of Dr. Frankenstein.
He’s been there for me emotionally at some key points in my life.
He talked me through my young daughter becoming pregnant at 15.
He’s been everything to me.
I know who he is, how he is, those things are in someone else, somewhere else, but that person has not come along.

And if they do, they just aren’t him.

It’s dangerous, how I feel about him.

I once asked him if he felt guilty about being with me. He said he didn’t at first. But then I broke up with him and allowed him to cultivate a relationship with her. Then one day, he came to see me at work. We gave me a ride home. He hooked me up with some movies. We were us. I fed him. And then it was time for him to leave. He left. I then left after him, opened the car door and kissed him. To which he responded that he missed me too…

So I did this to myself and to him.

The line is blurred sometimes. I wonder if he’s with me because I let him, because he can’t stay away, because he feels how I feel.

Every now and then I start first contact. Sometimes I think of him and will just “Hey…” a text to him. Sometimes I think of him and don’t say anything at all and within days he reaches out to me.

If you could only see us be us…then you’d know.

We went to lunch one time and we were doing what we do. The woman at the restaurant asked us if we were lovebirds. I looked at him and then to her and said not today. Today we’re just goofy birds. But she complimented us on being us…

And it makes me wonder if, in playing by the rules of the game in which we partook, I somehow missed context clues that said he wanted to be with me and I missed my shot?

Then there are the days that make me glad we are what we are because I don’t want to wonder if he’s got another me out there somewhere. I don’t know.

I’m willing to let him go, but I’m guessing he’s going to have to let me go. I’ve let him go, brought him back, let him go again, but he won’t go anywhere.

“I know what you like.
I am your prescription.
I’m your physician.
I’m your addiction…“