Look at my earlier entries. I'm not like this anymore. But this is just a moment of weakness.
Times of weakness. Everybody has them. The hard part is to not let these moments become you. Its so hard sometimes. I've spent a lot of my life being sad. Its so easy to be sad. Its weird, it sometimes seems that depression welcomes me with open arms and happiness always eludes me. Depression is what happens as a result of an accumulation of bullshit. I feel very angry right now.
Lately I've been better. These emo "fuck the world" moments have become less and less lately. But right now I just feel awful. I hope once I get this all out in an entry I will recover. I need to vent I guess.
Sometimes I feel like I kid myself when I tell myself I'm ok and confident. Just read my earlier posts. I talk about how good I've been in my head lately. I say I'm happy.
What's worse is I'm not even really sure how I got into this mood. Nothing really happened today. I just am mad.
I spent 20 bucks on weed and I'm ashamed of myself. I'm trying to stop spending my money on that shit. I heard about Ashley making out with some dude at a party. Not some dude. I know him. Chilled with him today. They were both drunk. I honestly don't care she did. BUT I am pissed at her fakeness. She kissed the dude and then at work she was acting like we are cool. Inviting me to parties and shit. Like she felt bad or something. For two weeks she ignores me. She kisses a dude at a party. She's cool with me? That is just pure crazy. Rolls eyes
I don't even feel like writing right now. I am done with everyone. I see fake in everybody. I see fake in my new friends in this city. I don't trust anybody. I don't know who to trust. Which is why I'm going to start being more like I was before Ashley. Read write and exercise. I don't want anything else. I'm not even being cynical. Just logical. I am removing tools that build stress. I deleted Twitter awhile ago. I deleted Facebook and instagram. I just don't need it. I only need myself and my family.
As I look back I realize that I've never really been good at making friends. Its gotten to the point where I don't need them. Or want them.
I started writing this with the intent of it being an intense rant but I've run out of gas already.
I realize that I always complain about the same thing so I feel dumb. I feel better though. Because I know I'm being dumb.
I don't know. But Happy Halloween.
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