Reflections, May 2 in Old

I have times when I am very down. I start to fall and as I am falling, I try to slow it down and stop it. One thing I tell myself is that this will end. It’s only a short phase, I’m going through. Such as the suicidal thoughts that routinely come to me over the years. I don’t think I have the courage to do such a thing to end my life. The last time it hit me very hard was 2022. Before I could do anything serious, I got help. But I return to it
At times like an extremely sick friend that comes to hang on and talk shit to me such as dying. It makes me wonder stupid shit like how do you make a hangman’s not so that I can hang myself properly on my front porch? Those like me that are not serious about sex things Will wonder abstractly oh how painful is this going to be when I am dying really does it matter? Once the pain ends, you’re fucking dead.

That ended tonight as it always eventually does except for two years ago. I use the situation of being depressed and wanting out as a motivator to do more in my life and what is all this telling me? I reassure myself that it will pass, and that I will be able to write very logically as I do now. Besides, my birds need me. I realize that I get extremely lonely. I am not close to anyone and I miss that being close to a good person. My siblings lost my trust when they tried to control me years ago. They helped me out, but it was some control involved and I absolutely hate that. But I did feel like calling my sister just to say hi but not talk about myself. Just ask about her because in my mind these days that’s what the good thing to do is. Don’t go blabbing about yourself because other people matter.

Even here I won’t sit around bitching about myself my life whatever. Whatever irritations I have in life, whatever depressions whatever sick impulses I have will fade and I will come back to this authentic self that is writing this. It’s nice to get to know yourself so you can go OK I’ve seen this before and me it will pass.

I recently read an article by what I think was a psychologist or one of those very very smart people about how so many people feel they need to get a therapist when what is really happening in their lives is they have normal anxiety normal sadness that’s all part of life, but they don’t feel They should have it. And so they look for someone to help them get out of that what is often just a mood like me today.

It’s almost like a status thing and attention getting device in which we will talk about seeing a therapist. Oh wow, you’re getting help great. I suspect that many times we don’t need it. We just need to back off and feel things and get through them without witch doctors. I have seen mental health professionals since I was a child and that was a good 60 years ago. I truly did have some emotional problems so much so that I was put in an institution for a year. Looking back, I’ve realized it was panic disorder . I don’t think they had such a diagnosis in those days. I got accustomed to thinking myself as being “crazy“. It was this very dramatic identity I took on, and that others helped reaffirm. Yes, I was a very scared. Strange kid very different.. but so too, is everyone else very different. Very fucked up too, but some people can hide it better than others. I found out Layton life. My father was a lot like me, but he used anger and violence to deal with his emotional issues. I believe he resented me so much because maybe I reminded him of the darkness inside him. He did not want to let anyone see. Wow, is that deep. It’s been educational seeing so many therapists over the years paying so much money. It was quite an identity to carry around of being crazy until something very unsettling happened to me and that I realize that yes I have my issues but so do many others. I have encountered some very fucked up people that I thought were totally insane. But they blustered through it and hid it. Like me for a while they self medicated as did my father.

Over the decades of viewing myself as being weird mentally ill whatever, I have learned much by reading much. At times I went down a gullible stupid path, but I was able to come back. I read about something and then I look for other sources.

Those labels regarding bad mental health we put on ourselves and others affirm are cages of false identities. So many times on this journal site I have seen people talk about their mental health their therapist. How fucked up they are in their lives. But as I recently asked, someone look at the positives of who you are for an identity not this seemingly fashionable thing of being mentally ill. Like drunks, sitting around bragging about how drunk they are. Reaffirming it practicing it getting it so they do that mental illness crap down to wave of life like I did. I do wish that my teenage self could’ve told people to just fuck off. I’m OK. I have my issues, but I am OK the same with you people. Wow, are you ever fucked up but you hide it better than I ever did. As noted in the article, I read so many people just have normal moods and phases. They go through day-to-day. I admit that I am on Prozac and I found it very helpful for me not to flip out with panic attacks and hit the bottom with depression. My helpers did a good diagnosis of me and they helped me see things in me. One thing they helped me see was gosh you’re smart, humorous person. Genuinely good person just fucked up a little bit like everybody else.

It’s comforting and sad for me in that at times I coldly look at people with compassion because no matter how they look I know they have that sadness that fear that is special to their life. So many of them, don’t go rushing off to a therapist because they think they’re fucked up. Some may suspect it and are in denial of it but I think most just shrug it off and get through the day knowing they’re not fucking nuts. They’re just being human with their own pain, fear and sadness that will often just fade away with the coming of a new mood. I’ve seen people complain about being bored, but I never am. Not anymore. I’ve realized it’s OK for things to slow down in life for things to be same and not entertaining action, packed or romantic. We all get bored and in our own ways, we are all lonely. I am at times, lonely but I get through it. It’s just part of life. Boredom is OK because it allows us to look inside interesting place in here. Think I’ll have a look around.

It took me decades to realize it, but goddamnit I’m OK most of the time. I’m a good dude I got my issues but what the fuck don’t we all?

Today with the old darkness coming back I had my old reaction of oh shit I need help. But I told myself it’s OK. This will pass and it did. I’m still here and I’m going to claw scream laugh at life and continue to live as long as I can.

No, I’m not crazy. I never was. I just had some issues some more terrifying than others have. With empathy yeah they got their issues too. It’s part of our shared humanity.