Spin Cycle in Current Events

I had a moment today where I was second-guessing if I need support from a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist. That was short-lived. The consultation is tomorrow morning over the phone. I hope it is a good fit.

I’m in shock. That’s what I feel like. Like when my family survived a tornado while on a camping trip. In the aftermath, I was just kind of dissociated. I was detached from what just happened. It was like it happened to someone else. When all of my traumas hit me the other week, I was no longer disconnected from it. No longer disjointed. It happened to me, not to some other version of myself. I’m doing a good job at reminding myself that I am okay. There is no danger. This too shall pass. I just have to integrate this all into my psyche so that I can move forward instead of chasing my tail.

I made it to my chem class yesterday evening. I was hoping that I would be invisible to the teacher. I was not. The moment she had the chance she brought me my missed notes. She is letting me make up the test I missed tomorrow. She’s so kind and patient. Today I am streaming my physics class. I’m not even paying attention. He will post the notes on teams and that is when I will make it make sense. I don’t have a strong enough attention span for his lectures. I will be there on Monday for sure. Locked and loaded. I don’t have the option to stream my chem class, unfortunately.

I’ll be working full-time hours again. I wanted the FT status for student loan applications. PT hours are better for my mental hygiene. I could use the money though. My CBT therapy won’t be cheap. I’ll be exhausting my group benefits from work. Between my Naturopath and my CBT, there will be nothing left in no time. I’ll have to pay out of pocket. I’m off for the rest of the week, this will be my last four-day weekend for a while. It’s going to make school extra stressful for me. There are only two more months of it. I can save up for a cheap car. Hopefully.

Apparently, if you write reviews on Amazon for sex toys that you’ve purchased, sellers will offer you free toys to write reviews on. I have some new goodies on the way. I’m an influencer now.

I was finally told not to wear my AirPods while on the floor. I will still try to get away with it. I like streaming my audiobooks. I just finished the Emerald Tablets of Thoth the Atlantean and I’m halfway through the Tibetan Book of the Dead. I’m a quarter the way through the Holy Bible and I’m almost halfway through the Bhagavad Gita as well. The Quaran will be next after I finish what I have started. If I’m not mistaken, I finished all of the banned Gnostic texts. Also the Hermtica. Everybody is talking about the exact same things. It’s painfully obvious to me now. They all teach astrology which is the word of god. It is not lost to us, it is only forgotten. We cannot touch it, we cannot change it, and its laws apply to us all. It’s just the laws of nature. It teaches that the atom is a torus field. Matter is an aggregate. We have to heave the oil in our spines to the brain. We then become a point of singularity between space and counter-space. The teachings have to be hidden in symbols from the vile and profane, the religious and those who scoff and laugh at it. They hate god and the truth. The demons are those who don’t even care about the matter. The matter being matter itself. They worship sensual science and believe holistic science to be primitive. As they live their lives in ways that go against their own nature and best interests. It doesn’t make them evil, this truth will find them in another lifetime. They’re the NPCs, to borrow a term. A term I actually despise. I don’t like how it dehumanizes people. They’re working on their own karma and dharma. There has to be contrast, it’s natural law. The evolution of consciousness, that’s the gist of it all. The work transcends lifetimes. Also, the absolute worst thing you can do is be fearful. This is where faith comes in. It is paralytic to your consciousness, yes, but it also makes your body acidic which it mustn’t be. Ever. It has to be clean, alkaline, and electric. It is a holy vessel as God (the aether) needs our bodies in this plane.

Breaking the cycle of samsara is the end game in this human world. When we separate from our bodies, we don’t want to have to return. This is the lowest form of existence. It is death. Matter is dead here. It has slowed down and become material. It is my own cycles that I am trying to break free from right now. CBT help me. What I could use is a spiritual guide. Not a Western white shaman, a real one. Alex can help me with that, I hope. They teach the culture of my people at her non-profit. They are also hiring there but I didn’t get the position I applied for last time because I was not cultured enough. It is what it is. I also agree. I really do want to get in touch. Between my Naturopath, CBT, and a potential elder/knowledge keeper, I should have my mind, body, and soul better calibrated. There is a Freemason lodge not too far from me… tempting! I saw some monks at my work last week. Two women. Running away to a temple sounds divine. There is a young man that I follow on IG who did that. He trains with those monks all day in the mountains. Like, sign me up!

Well, I’m going to go for a short run. The plan is to hit the gym at an ungodly hour tomorrow. Then hit the books. Complete all of my labs and prepare myself for my chem test in the evening. Also, have that consultation with the psychologist so I can get my life right. This weekend is my nephew’s birthday party. I am looking forward to seeing everybody. I’ll be catching up with my studies, so help me god, the rest of the weekend. I’ll need to touch base with my ND (naturopath ) at some point as well. I’m almost finished with the HCL pills. They were to tie us over until he came up with an action plan. It is hydrochloric acid. He wants to try it again but with one that doesn’t have mint in it. My vegan diet is very hard for him to work with. My acid levels are crazy low which is why I am protein deficient. Long-term stress is the culprit. Hence the CBT. Health is holistic. He is going to ask about my deficiency symptoms but I don’t have an answer for him. I’m good at physically suffering. If heartache was a physical pain I could take it. If my mental anguish was a physical pain I could take it. All I know for sure is that I am no longer a big bloated bitch. I’m a skinny legend again. The relief of that outweighs how much I miss wheat. I’ll get around to making my own wheat-free breads eventually. I somewhat have this modified diet under control. Once I’m allowed to have nuts & seeds again, it will be a piece of cake.