Like clockwork in The Devil Beneath My Feet

Spring is here, so naturally I am deep, deep in the dark once again.

Some good things in the past year: I found fandom, and through that fandom, I found an incredible community. I’ve made Internet friends, which are the only kinds of friends I’m ever able to believe are real. I’ve taken up writing, and received a fair amount of love for it. I’m considering buying myself an iPad, and Apple pencil, in the hopes of rekindling what’s been lost.

I am also incredibly lonely. I want help that I’m afraid to ask for, because I’m afraid to seem vulnerable, and afraid that anyone I ask won’t care. I’m afraid that they will care. I’m afraid of everything, anymore. Afraid of failure, and happiness. I’m afraid of life, and death. I’m afraid to do things I enjoy, for fear that I’ll stop enjoying them. I’m too afraid to hold out, and too afraid to give in.

I’m just so fucking lonely, and afraid.