Big box mind memory to sort through in Old

  • March 31, 2024, 10:43 p.m.
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  • Public

What to keep and what to let go.
Every mundane school day and workday. Should I keep it or not?
Automatically, I keep the traumas. They are very hard to throw out of the box. When I remove them, they come back and so I must face them and learn from them learn what happened and how I am here as I am because of it.

Will I keep these memories of the life forms, I loved in my life that have passed? I will keep the shades of them the shadows because the loss of them feels so painful when I see them in the light of memory. It is too tempting when I see them in the light of memory to disappear inside and join them once again. I’ve seen this happen with dreams which I’ve seen my parents and sometimes hints of pets I loved. There is always a yearning to join them again. It’s best for my sanity that I live in the present and keep those that departed my life that I loved in the shadows.

Over here, we have some memories of sex of making love. I think I’ll keep those or some of those memories. The memories of loving embraces, but not so much the hard pounding sweaty sex. It’s worth it to keep those sun, dappled memories of embracing a lover in the morning, laughing with them about the night spent together. In a way I feel like I’m looking at strangers because they were so long ago and my seeing them is intrusive to them. Voyeuristic. but I will keep some of those memories because I learned from them I learned to remember the cuddling, the warm embraces, and the love I never wanted to fade.

So many memories in this box are so vague I need to toss them because I can’t see them anymore. Is it so important to remember the names and faces of so many people? No, because they are past they have no meaning to me now.

Any memories of entertainment in this box of television radio, and film can be tossed because so much of that crap I can see in the present and it has no meaning to me any more. Years ago, I looked at the many books I had covering my walls. They had no meaning anymore, so I gave them away. The same with vinyl records, and the CDs of rock and classical. I saved in computer files what music wanted to save, but I gave all the rest away all that plastic. I once had many posters of fantasy meant so much to me, but they came in time when they no longer did so I gave them away. They are gone from the box of memories because they have no meaning to me anymore.

I have memories of faith and then disillusionment and now being atheist. I will keep the memory of that road traveled, and that is all. Like memories of trauma, they have meeting and I keep them they have lessons I learned and I keep them.

I will keep the memories of injuries in the factory. The blood, bruises and pain. I will keep the near death experiences so that I may feel gratitude for the life. I live now having survived it.

What of all the slights The insults, the hatred, the grudges the petty arguments? Let them all go, throw them out of the box and let them disappear. At the time they were painful, but they were stupid and now have now meaning and they’re meaning so long ago so short-lived.

What of those four years of marriage that ended so catastrophically? Keep it like a dry bit of history, but let go the resentment the pain and desire for some kind of revenge. I’ve done that and it’s out of the box. It doesn’t belong in the box to be kept.

And heartbreak you want to keep that? Only because I learned and I grew from it. I learned to look at myself honestly and shoulder, some of the cause of the heartbreak and not so much blame the other person. I will keep what I learned, stripping away that part and throwing away the rest.

Memory is a funny thing what we keep what we throw out what stays inside and comes back to haunt us or be useful. All of it got me to this present and that is all that matters. The painful, the joyful, the boring it only matters because I learned from it all to survive to be here now. And that is what truly matters looking around at where I am now inside and outside. The gratitude of having lived through so much that once had so much meaning but most of it just don’t mean shit.

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