March 29 - Ways, I try to be better in Old

A better person that is.

As people might get sick of hearing, I worked in a factory most of my life, and I learned a lot I learned how horrible people can be. But much of that was on me in my younger years.

I’ve realized sarcasm is an ugly thing. It’s very negative and often malicious. I try to avoid it use of it and those that use it often I try to avoid.

In the factory, it was common for people to fuck with you. Try to provoke you manipulate emotional response from you by what they say. I see that on this journal site a lot and that kind of manipulation to me is ugly as well. When someone says just fucking with you, it’s like saying, I was just trying to manipulate you. Then they laugh it off. Dear Scott, don’t go around fucking with people. Unless it’s manipulating someone to feel better in their life. Smiles instead of frowns.

It’s hard to understand or even see myself for the kid I once was that stole spare change alcohol and cigarettes from my father. I was with a gang of boys long long ago, and we stole things and thought nothing of it. As an adult, I look back and I’m glad that I changed. As a bit of irony in life, people stole from me some very personal items. That’s karma bitch, but it also taught me empathy.

As a kid, I tried to lie to escape the wrath of my father. Writing this for the first time it occurs to me or I realize that my father was the only person that I lied much too. But it’s a bitch when they catch you in the lies. If you have a conscience, you feel so ugly inside. So you stop it. When I was working, I saw people make errors and try to lie about them. I did that a few times then swore never to do it again and I felt better for it. I felt so free when I faced my boss in that factory and said yes, I did fuck this up and I take full responsibility. I felt that I got some respect for that.

The photo that I have on this that is altered played with. I think it might make me look like a madman, and that was fun because it is the opposite of who I am. A very gentle loving person with I believe a good sense of humor. Growing my beard is like playing dress up as a child. I’m in disguise.

When I was dating married and had lovers the only time I felt like being unfaithful to someone was when I was tempted in my marriage. I started to flirt with some people, but then I quit it because I don’t want women to do that to me and I have a sense of honor in which you just do not cheat on someone if you tell them you love them. Leave it don’t lie it.

My father brainwashed me into being nonviolent and very passive never getting into fights or if I did I got my ass kicked. He drilled it into me to not hurt anyone and I believe it’s because of a brother of mine being killed before I was born. I won’t go into that because I have worn that story out over the years. But I would go into fights and hit people in places that would not hurt them and in one case someone beat my face bloody. I tried to be nonchalant about it around my parents, but it was very hard for them not to notice my swollen face and eyes and how hard it was for me to talk. Yes, but I did beat the shit out of the other guy shoulders. I think my father, seeing my tormented face, saw the error of his way his teachings and told me if I ever get into another fight like that to try to kill the motherfucker. Something like that. But I grew up, not liking personal physical violence. It just did not make any sense to me. When I was married, my wife of that time, took a swing at me and knocked me down. Of course it was something stupid. I got up and took the dog out for a long walk. A crazy ex-girlfriend once went totally psycho berserk on me attacking me with a fists. I caught her arms and held her until she calm down then let her go. It was also stupid. As far as hitting women goes, I never understood how men could do it. When I was a drinking man, I would have arguments and yell very much due to the alcohol influence and then later realize what a stupid ass I was and apologize. But I never swung out of a woman not even slapped her. In my code of honor there is simply shit. You just don’t do as a man or person.

There was a short time in my life when I was selling some things, and I met some very predatory people. The stole from me and it was something of a blessing because I realized this was a stupid thing I was doing. I knew for sure one friend had stolen things from me and yet to my face he swore he never did anything. But I know he did. I’ve always wondered what happened to him if he’s dead or in jail or became some born again, Christian. That happens with a lot of criminals. I see it in much right wing politics. But no, don’t be like that Scott get away from that ugly world and I did. It probably saved my life.

My father was a very volatile man that held grudges with age I have seen how sick that was. How incredibly childish. To pass neighbors, you dislike on the street and avoid even looking at them. My father tried to make me do that to the people he disliked. In his last years, I became one of those people that he disliked, if not hated. He held a grudge about something he could’ve remedied. My ex-wife owed him money, but I had no idea how much. He wanted the money back and told me to give it to him. I told him I did not know. Over and over he told me to give him his money and I had the same answer. I thought it had been between my ex-wife and him. The irony is here is that he could’ve told me how much I owed him or my ex-wife did and I would’ve paid him. But I firmly believe he did not want to do that. He enjoyed hating me. I had been the source of much embarrassment for him when I was a child and I think that resentment just grew. I had looked at what he did to me and others, and swore never to do it. Yes, on the Internet I blocked people. But that is very different. I simply do not want anything to do with such. No grudge, no malice just avoidance. I just don’t need the bullshit.

Arguments to me our egos fighting. Whose Ego is more aggressive. Sometimes it’s a matter of trying to humiliate someone with the word fights. I gave up arguing and it added peace to my life. I say something, but I don’t try to justify what I said and lecture about it. But I used to. When I became an atheist, I tried to shove it down other peoples throats. I saw what an ass I was being and let it go. Find a middle ground of positive humanity with someone. Live and let live. I have a weakness with politics. I will joke about it, but I will not try to convert others to my political leanings. Get out of my face with yours so we can both have some peace about this. Political views can be like egos fencing. I’m right and you are full of shit.

I like a good violent film, but I know it’s all fantasy all make believe and dancing like choreography. But I don’t believe in people killing each other, hurting each other. I don’t believe in hurting other people in any way. Malice vengeance to hurt others it’s just so incredibly stupid to me. Some of that ad learned from seeing other people fight and real fights are vicious, horrible madness, and often don’t mean a damn thing. I learned from how my father would swing at me and hit me. When I was married, I acted like my father once and hit my wife’s child. When I saw his angry pain face, I saw my own and I never did it again and I did not let my wife hit her own child. I don’t know how the kid felt about it, but I felt I had broken the cycle in my life.

Do not cause pain in mind, emotion or body to others or self. Buddhism is cool. Try not to hurt the plants the green things or animals. Yes, I do eat meat. But trying to cut back on that. I yell at my birds and cause pain to the male bird when he attacks my hand and makes me bleed. Other than that, I am good to him and laugh it off. I forgive your vicious, stupid ass now here let me share my ice cream with you you stupid motherfucker. Animals are great to practice kindness on.

This is the person I’m trying to be and feel I have changed to be. Old as I am, I will continue to try to learn to be a better person. Do no harm and don’t be a dick😄