How the bodies change in Old

Walking to my mailbox recently about 100 yards away. I noticed I was a bit breathless and my chest hurt a bit. I was embarrassed. Come on old prick you can do better. I often hear voices or some odd music then realize it’s the whistling in my lungs. Doctor said it’s just part of aging and so many years in the factory. My lungs are in good shape, but they’ve had some wear and tear. 30 years ago, I ran along distance and there was such a joy to that. I felt immortal when I ran. But we change.

When I was young, I found it disgusting how old people lost their muscle mass if they had any to begin with, and the skin hung on their bodies. I swore I’d never be like that. I see it beginning and it’s a bit scary. Today I thought about how active I was in the factory for 40 years. Every day I was there, I was standing and motion, pulling lifting pushing. So much heavy work so much dangerous work. Bruised ribs, bag aches, many cuts, and bruises. Physically working to exhaustion and it was all part of normal day. It was life for me. Then the epidemic hit and work got slow. I was laid off a few times, and then the factory closed. Even a year ago, my brother-in-law told me I looked very muscular. I try to exercise my lower body, but often have injuries that make me stop. One is in world knee injury I should’ve gone to the hospital about, but I was too stupidly proud. It gets very sore and then feels better so I go back to exercising. Recently, I felt tearing muscle pain in my lower legs, and I think it’s because I used to be on my feet all the time and now my legs are just in not such good condition. I am not in motion constantly like I was for over 40 years. I have three hernias in my abdomen I need repaired. There is one big one in my chest that is at times terrifying to me and how it looks and feels. I tense my abdomen a bit and just below the sternum my guts start bulging out. It’s like some creature trying to escape my body. I wonder if my heart and lungs are gonna pop out someday. But I will continue to walk on the treadmill and damn the pain and the weakness and just keep at it. Some day, maybe I can find somebody I can trust to help me back from the hospital after surgery. My sister helped me with my last surgery. She was supposed to take me to my house afterward for recuperation, but instead she took me to her house because she knew better. Sarcasm. It was terrifying to be taken to somebody’s house against my will no matter they’re good intentions. I was able to get a ride with my brother-in-law back home the next day. We heal better in our own homes.

Most of my life have been clean-shaven, but recently grew a beard. I’ve always got disgusted before and cut it off before it could get very long but now I like it how wild it looks. I’m considering two opposite ways to go with my hair or what’s left of it. Let my hair grow out and eventually have a ponytail again with a hat on top to cover that bald spot or do what I’ve been doing for years keep shaving my head, but this time leave the beard. Unlike other members of my family, I like to change how I look. But it’s funny how recently looking at myself a very young version of myself inside had to laugh about how dammit boy you got old. You’ve got a gut and your hair is all white and what’s that shit on your face? I don’t look at all like I expected to look if I got this old. It’s a surprise to my young self inside.

I look at this body and face and it’s a little bit sad that I aged this way but it’s also good because I never spent much time in the hospital. I’m still alive not crippled.. I have concerns about my memory, but I just realized to that I just don’t give a shit about a lot of stuff in my past anymore. According to my last doctors appointment, my mind is still fairly sharp as they mentioned how my sense of humor is still rapidfire. I don’t go dead in a conversation. I’m still very lively in mind. But there is great frustration to see how my body is changing, weakening after being such a tough bastard for so long working in a factory. At times I miss getting banged up and bloodied The way I used to get. I have limitations now on what I can physically do because of my abdomen, and this aging body. I hear the crowd cheering sometimes when I bend over and get up without hanging onto something. I know I need to lose weight, but on the other hand despite much inactivity, my weight has not Risen dramatically. 6 foot and 215. Overweight but not obese.

It’s funny how I often see old rock ‘n rollers or movie stars and I think how the fuck did you ever get so fat? I get it dudes. But I’m glad I quit the wild lifestyle.

We all need a hobby and working on myself is my number one. Keep that muscle mass keep the back straight and keep pushing myself. Maybe I can get rid of the accordion in my lungs.