Another entry for today. in Since OD is shutting down....

I’ve just been cleaning and cooked burgers for lunch. I kinda want my daughter to take a nap and maybe venture out later for a little bit. I haven’t made as much as I’d like to for this week. I will probably see another payment which would really be helpful. I’m going to start saving for another vehicle. I really don’t want to finance one. I’d rather find something decent for 2k or less. I just can’t see myself having a car note again. I remember what the was like before and I think now, I’d get pissed enough to just give it back and face the consequences. I know that I don’t have the patience for these car salesman to act like I’m going to buy a car and not pay for it.

Her bumps seem to be getting a bit better. I’m hoping by Monday morning they will be next to gone. She’s definitely happy to just be relaxing at home. I’m glad that her ear infection is gone, but now we have the allergic reaction to tend it. It’s always something. There’s never a day where I don’t have to have added worry. It’s tough taking her with me so I can make money but then I have to stress that she’s maybe uncomfortable or how it would be best if she got to just stay home but again, there’s no one to watch her.

I am hoping to get to make some money later on tonight. I’m really anxious because I haven’t made what I want for the week. I did get my extra money for the month but I’m always driven to have more. Money runs everything and you can never have too much of it. My car is getting older and honestly, she’s getting tired. It’s only a matter of time before she goes down again so I want to do what I can about making money before that happens so I’m prepared for either financing something or buying one outright. I’m not going to just sit and wait for things to fall apart. I honestly wish that I would have started doing this for a job even a year ago. I don’t even want to think about how different things could have turned out.

I ran into an old co-worker yesterday. He said that he quit and left on good terms but something sketchy about his taxes. He’s absolutely floored that everyone who is self employed that he knows are doing just fine. He is one of the good ones and I truly miss working with him. I’m so glad that he got out of there. I didn’t tell him that about a month ago I wanted to come back. I still think about how foolish that was. It just wasn’t meant to happen. I like where I’m at now. The job I do is pretty easy, the stress is a lot more tolerable and there’s a lot more money in it than what I did before.

In the past few days, I have reconnected with that guy. I have very deep feelings for him and definitely want to see where things go. He’s been deployed 3 times and struggles with mental health. He’s been married and divorced 3 times. He’s a very sweet, loving, affectionate person. I truly enjoyed our time together. Well, a week and a half ago when I needed new brakes, apparently he ended up in the psych ward and now is in a facility for veterans. He was there when we first started talking about a year ago. We haven’t had much contact in the past couple of days. I completely understand that he struggles with mental health and it has nothing to do with me at all. What does get to me is that he’s been a boyfriend and even a husband so therefore he should know that I need more than what I’m getting.

He still has his apartment here and will be coming home, just doesn’t know when. He’s said he hopes he can come home sometime over the next week. Part of the issue I had before I had blocked him was the lack of effort and still feeling like I’m on my own. I don’t think he’s capable of being an actual partner. I think it’s going to be one of those situations where I’m just to enjoy it when I see him and appreciate the time we do spend together and know that he’s going to probably keep going back to that facility. I do hope that I’m able to aid in him having better days and improving his mental health but I don’t know him well enough to gauge if that’s going to happen or not.

This is really hard because I’ve never been with someone like him at all and have to remember that he’s different than what I’m used to. I have no doubt that he loves me. That’s all I have to hold onto right now. I know he feels very strongly about me, and about us but I don’t see us really progressing. He’s very sweet and I literally can not wait to see him again. It’s just really difficult because I’m not a patient person. I can be pretty understanding at times but I know that I need more than what I’m getting here.

I seriously think about him all the time. I like thinking about him because it makes me happy. I think about him holding my hand, looking into my eyes, just wanting me to be happy. I am happy with him but I need to physically be with him.

Anyways, I’m hoping to make some cash this evening. I gave my daughter a bath and used really good lotion on her body to help with the bumps. She hasn’t been itching as much and I’m honestly hoping it’s going to be better by tomorrow.

It’s another weekend not hearing from anyone. I don’t know how much anyone can care when we go months without any effort made. I know people reading this could say that I could reach out but I’ve spent years doing that and there’s no fucking point. People don’t care and they’ve showed that to me for years. Long before I had a child of my own. I won’t waste any more energy begging people to be in our lives.

My Mom likes to tell me how much she loves and misses us every few months but doesn’t make any effort to come around either. She lives 3 miles away. I just don’t get it. I wouldn’t even bother telling someone how much I miss them when I CHOOSE to not see them. It seems more like this fun game to make someone believe you care when you know you don’t. I want to know why my own Mom would be like this.