Today 3/1 in Whatever Will Be Will Be

I am deeply exhausted. Body, soul, mind, heart, everything. I am wiped out! Like… I know I have an absolute SHIT TON to do today and some things are time sensitive and the list isn’t going to get any shorter by me not doing anything so I know… I know I know I know I know I know I know that I have to kick it into high gear and get some solid work done. But… I am exhausted! On every level! Like… just trying to “energize myself” to open my unread e-mails… is a chore right now! Honestly, anything beyond “can I go back to bed right now?” is causing me physical pain. That isn’t an exaggeration. My back and my shoulders are killing me. And it isn’t like this weekend will actually help me with that in any way since apparently I don’t exactly get a weekend. Which… should REALLY tell me a lot right there. If my weekend cannot feel restful, relaxing, restorative, or rejuvenating because of what Hermia brings into my life? THAT is a giant red flag hovering over a giant red button!! Especially when you consider… thinking about it? I’m not thinking “Oh goody. I’ll have time with my girlfriend.” I’m thinking, “Fuck! When am I going to have time to clean up? Or do laundry? Or the dishes? Or pick up dog poop? When am I going to get any time this weekend to just… relax and heal?” That’s… a pretty terrible way to approach a weekend with your significant other.

And then I try to force myself to focus on work. And friends- if I can’t force myself to review E-Mail… I am screwed for the rest of my day. Because if I don’t have sufficient energy to read words on a screen? Returning these 9 phone calls to angry and unreasonable people isn’t going to be any easier. Reviewing new cases and new horrors and developing strategies for tackling them isn’t going to be any easier. The whole day… isn’t going to be any easier! And there is just so much to do. At work. At home. All over. I’m floating back into that “being in the hospital for a week sounds like a good vacation” mindset. Which is even worse because the attorney leaving hasn’t even left yet. Like… I’m this drained, this exhausted now. We’re two attorneys down. We’ll be three attorneys down starting March 8th. If we don’t hire anyone, we’ll be FOUR attorneys down starting June. I have THREE TIMES the number of Jury Trials being demanded than any other year I’ve been in practice. CONTEMPLATE THAT. When I was doing FELONY CRIMINAL PROSECUTION, I had less Jury Trial Demands! Prosecuting Domestic Assault, Sexual Assault, and Meth Possession… I had less jury trials than I do here this year just doing Traffic and Simple Misdemeanors. That is insane. Ridiculous. And acts to heavily underscore and emphasize the rot we’re seeing culturally. Abandonment of Community thinking. Abandonment of Accountability. Abandonment of self-responsibility. The ever increasing fuck everybody, I’m the only one that matters mindset.

I mean… my being this wiped out, exhausted, tired, and broken doesn’t come as a surprise. The constant bombardment of this type of personality, the constant experience with this energy is going to hit me like a psychic sledgehammer. The fact that outside of work I’m not getting any reprieve or healing means… the psychic sledgehammer slams me, keeps slamming me, and I just get more and more crushed by all of it. Ultimately, I could use a Sunshine and Rainbows few days but… honestly, when was the last time that happened?? In this instance, I mean for me but honestly… when was the last time that happened for… anyone? Because most of the contacts I maintain haven’t had a lot of sunshine and rainbows either. That said? I’d say the last “I’m drained but happy” was during The Book Club Play but that isn’t exactly news. I’ve absolutely had therapists who say that I emotionally do much much better when I’m in a performance. Which… yeah. Doing something you love with people who share the same goals and building something from words on a page to an experience to share? There is no surprise I’m a much happier person generally when I’m in a show!

And because of all of that? Because of the work load being an absolute cunt lately and only promising to get MUCH MUCH worse over the next several months… I’m in a strange position relationship-wise. Because I admit 100% there are some big serious issues. I also know I am more susceptible to them because of what is going on around me. And that whole mix also acts to make my brain dumb. Because I know the conversation has to happen but I have no idea what that conversation will have. Like… I don’t know what I want or what I need. So I can’t articulate it. I want things like… emotional support… but what does that look like? I want things like… taking care of my shit. It’s been tricky lately because MY show and HER show but going forward? I don’t mean to be a dick or an unsupportive boyfriend but… I can’t be expected to be Driver. Like… Brad wants to join something, I’m not a huge fan of Hermia telling him, “Well, we have to ask Chris to see if he’d drive you every week.” I don’t want to be an asshole but I can’t be expected to be The Ride. I know dealing with Nana sucks and it is not fair that a Blind Woman can’t get cheap and available transportation but… I can’t sublimate my life to make sure Hermia and Brad are taken care of. That feels… like a jerk position… like me saying, “It’s not my job to make sure my blind girlfriend and her son are taken care of.” but… all the same… I have shit to take care of in my own life. And what seems terrible when I try to think of “What do I need?” All I can come up with is “I need more time for my own shit.” But that isn’t it. I mean, not really. “The time and space to focus on my own life” doesn’t feel like it gets to the “What do I need from her, what do I expect from her, what am I hoping will change or improve.”

I’m exhausted. I’m soul weary. I’m “I would really rather be put in a dark basement for 36 hours and left to my own devices”. But I can’t. So.... away we go. Fingers crossed that I at least make it to Sunday healthy!