It's Friday. in Since OD is shutting down....

We got up super early. Probably because we are both excited that it’s almost the weekend. I have absolutely lost my shit though. My daughter has ruined almost all of her pants by putting holes in the knees. I don’t know if it’s from crawling around on the ground or what the fuck, but she has like 3 pairs left. I’m constantly spending money on her and then having to turn around and buy the same shit over and over and over and over again is absolutely maddening. I think she likes to make sure that I don’t have any money or something. I started screaming and crying because I was so frustrated and that’s the only way I can actually get her attention. I’m seriously tired of having to lose my whole fucking mind to get her to stop doing shit.

I really call and talk to my caseworker yesterday. She informs me that he had charges out of another county where I look and apparently he was getting lit in a city park. It was over the Summer and didn’t have my kid so I really don’t care but she said right now they are trying to get a verification on his sister’s address to put him in court and then issue a warrant if he doesn’t show up. They can also hire someone to serve him as well but basically, he may or may not end up with another warrant but he will never have to pay it. I even asked about it getting more serious once he owes 10 bands and she said no.

I guess I don’t really care though. I have seen $500 in the past 2.5 years and still manage to survive and we’ll keep surviving with or without his help. It’s life. I don’t plan to speak on this again after this entry. I just don’t want to talk about it anymore because that means I care about it and since I can’t change it, I don’t want it ruling my thoughts either. I just hope everyone who reads my entries is learning from my mistakes and is extremely careful who you are laying down with. I have no regrets because I love my child, she is my entire world and reason for living but to know that none of this is ever going to change and he will never do anything to help take care of her is one helluva pill to swallow.

I’m just really worried about bills. My job doesn’t go year round and I’m worried about how I’m going to pay stuff. I plan to try and pay some stuff ahead but that’s hard to do when your paychecks aren’t shit. I’m really concerned about my car. It’s 17 years old with well over 200K on it and it’s had some issues. I’m just not sure what I’ll do if I had to buy another vehicle because I wouldn’t be able to pay everything else if I had a car note. I’m worried that we’re going to have 6 weeks of nothing going on because I doubt I’ll be able to get her into that other program before school starts. Childcare here is tough to find and even if you do, it’s expensive as shit.

Sometimes I don’t know how I keep myself going. I think about dropping my kid off at school and just coming home to cry all day long. I want to understand how it’s legal to leave someone to deal with everything by themselves where you have no responsibility to your child. I know I’m a tough person but my God, something’s gotta give.

As far as my job goes, I just don’t think it’s the right fit for me. The kids I work with are really disrespectful and don’t listen at all. I also can’t connect with my co-workers because there’s such an age gap. When I do try to talk to them, I either get ignored or they’re rude. I am going to diligently be on Indeed over the weekend and try to find something else. Like I don’t want to leave my job high and dry because they need people but I don’t want to stay and be unhappy either. I would also like to be home before 6pm as well. I really thought that this was just going to be a fun and overall easy job but I can’t handle being uncomfortable anymore and feeling uneasy walking in everyday.

I’ve cried most of today. I’m getting ready to leave. I’m going to try and go back to the job I did before. Not the same company but find one similar and work just during the day if I can. I’m just desperately trying to figure out my life and what I really want. I just don’t want to do what I did before and stay at a job for 7 years hoping that it gets better. I won’t do that this time because I’m not making nearly enough money to even consider being there long term. I don’t like my job and sometimes the guy that’s in my group but other than that, there’s really nothing I enjoy other than the time goes fast.

My daughter is always asking about us buying a house. I lost my shit this morning over the thing of putting holes in her pants and I’ve had serious Mom guilt all day. It’s not her fault that I don’t make enough money and can’t constantly replace things. I buy what I can here and there but I just wish I could give my child a lot more. I know she has it way better than I did growing up but I want to give her everything I can. I just have to get this figured out. I refuse to go on and be miserable.

I just don’t want to ever settle simply because this job works schedule wise. I am not going to stay where I don’t want to be or even feel welcome. I’ve noticed even with the boss, you hear more negative than positive. I dealt with that for 7 years at the last job and it really starts to fuck with your head. I don’t make much more than minimum wage and with what I’m making, I will never be able to climb out of the poverty we’re in. There’s never going to be extra money to go towards another car. It’s also not year round and my paychecks are too small to even pay ahead on bills.

I honestly wish I would have never taken this job to begin with. I am really not in a good place today and now I’m going to worry about everything over the weekend. But, I’m going to just try and find something else. I know that I’m not going to stay there.

I have to go.