Updates and Self-Reflection in Whatever Will Be Will Be

Today was an interesting health day!
Woke up and… couldn’t go a full 60 minutes without needing the bathroom. That was even just pushing water… not even attempting food!
Hermia suggested some OTC meds; then I fell back asleep. And slept for a solid extra 5 hours. So… I was sick and my body needed to heal!
But then I got the OTC meds and ate and pushed fluids. And… they didn’t immediately flush from my body. So I waited… and decided… if I was going to be okay enough to not desperately need to run off stage? I was hitting rehearsal! So… I gathered my costume pieces, I grabbed my script and shoes, I grabbed my chess set, I grabbed the pallet of water I bought for the cast and grabbed a face mask! Rehearsal was… good all things considered. I mean, I hadn’t had a rehearsal in 4 days. I was acting from a weakened, recovering illness state and acting through a mask. And the director still complimented me from my expressiveness, energy, and commitment. So… there’s that! BUT if I am good enough for rehearsal… I also need to do some stuff around the house!

So, I came back and ate dinner and prepared to do laundry (because… clothes worn around illness NEED to be washed) while finishing the basement for the Blind Party. EXCEPT Hermia wanted to call and talk. Today is THE actual DAY anniversary for Hermia… 20 years ago today she went blind. She’s 32 years old. She’s been blind for 20 years compared to 12 years of sight. I was supposed to spend time with her today but… me being sick, that isn’t a good idea! So… of course… okay but… I would prefer to be able to STILL DO WHAT I NEED TO DO WHILE ON THE PHONE.

And that was going okay… at first. Picking laundry up, putting laundry away, putting laundry into the machine… all good. We were talking about Brad and Brad’s school stuff and those kinds of things. But then when it was time to shift to things I need to use both hands for… while moving between rooms… and then she starts in about wanting more opportunities to dance in the show because they aren’t giving her enough “faith” that she can do the dance stuff… I’m… I found myself just bursting with frustration and irritation. Like… I’m already dedicating my energy tonight to get my house ready for your party. Delaying that necessary activity to devote more energy to your criticisms of a show you say you’re enjoying? It just… it sparked a flare of irritation in me. I tried to manage it, I hope I managed it. But… yeah. I can’t fix the basement while paying attention to our conversation. And it just… it hit me emotionally oddly.

Then she asks “Do we want to do what we have scheduled for tomorrow?” And I’m drawing a blank. So, I ask her directly. “WHAT DO WE HAVE PLANNED FOR TOMORROW?” “Oh nothing.” Then… woman.... gah! But she clarifies, “We had just discussed maybe hanging out Wednesday or Thursday and discussing the party, getting ready for it, but that was before you got sick.” Oh. That. Yeah. I got sick. I lost 50 hours of my week. Anything that was “maybe, not planned, but floated out there” is a no right now. I need to recover 50 hours of an already overloaded schedule.

Maybe my irritation was coming through my voice (against my wishes) but the conversation wrapped up pretty quickly after that. And… I don’t want to be irritated by perfectly reasonable things. Your girlfriend hasn’t seen you in several days and wants to talk to you. She feels you are a supportive and caring person in her life. She wants to talk to you about the things going on in her life.
I’m just honestly wondering and thinking… this may be one of those Past Trauma Areas I need to address and work through. Because listening to her doesn’t typically irritate me. Helping her doesn’t typically irritate me. But combining did. It was the “I am dedicating my available energy to a task for her” being forcibly combined with “And now she wants you to listen and converse and chat while doing the task for her” that got me. Which… maybe I’m reading too much into it but Monday Morning Quarterbacking Mental Health Here.... just feels like connecting the ideas from my marriage of “I am already doing X. When you demand that I do X plus Y; while constantly making me feel like nothing I do is ever good enough… it is very emotionally triggering!” And Hermia has never had that last portion intent. But that is what Past Traumatic Damage does. It makes the pattern and the silent part repeat emotionally even if it isn’t true factually. Hermia would have never tried to make me feel like an asshole because I was preparing for the party while on the phone with her. My speaking with her while working wasn’t an additional “You can’t measure up” gauntlet. But… over a decade’s worth of history leaning over and over and over into “Do more. I’m not happy. Nothing you do will fix that. I’m not going to fix it either. So do more!” These are the emotional patterns, the neural pathways we need to address and repair.