habits in just testing

trying to get back on the habit of writing in here more often. I want to! I’m just major laze.

Today was weird. Usually when I leave for work at 6am Will is asleep. And I usually give him a kiss [ he usually doesn’t wake up for it] before I go. Just in case it’s the last time, cause I’m a worry wart. I want to be able to remember that I gave him a kiss the last time I saw him.

ANYWAY so this morning I did that and suddenly I was overcome with, like, wanting to cry.

We don’t get a lot of time together and it sucks. And I understand why it might be worse for me after a weekend of spending time together, to leave him.

But I soooo wanted to blow off work and just crawl in bed and cuddle with him.

We’ve been in this sucky schedule for a long time. I thought I was used to it.

So then the whole morning I was seriously near tears [I’m already tearing up now] cause I was just thinking about how I wish we had more time together. I’m such a needy person and I picked SUCH THE WRONG GUY for me in this respect cause his jobs have always taken him away from me - and he doesn’t seem to mind as much as I do.

ANNYWAY so then the stupid chef [my school has a chef] left early - like 10am.

He said he had a family emergency, and I should be more empathetic, but he’s SO FLAKEY. He calls out at least once a month - prob more - and it sucks because I’m the one it falls on. I have to make meals and snacks and portion it out for 10 different classrooms and a bunch a different allergies [someone can’t have gluten, someone can’t have berries, someone is a vegetarian, etc. etc. My school is FULLLLLL of allergies.

So it takes a LONG TIME - my whole fucking day. And I don’t get to do MY JOB. There are things I need to do everyday too and it SUCKS.

Plus he doesn’t hide the fact that he doesn’t think he gets paid enough and is actively looking for another job. So for all I know, his “family emergency” is just an interview.

So then I was REALLY near tears - like I though I’d have to excuse myself to the bathroom for a minute - cause I was stressed about him leaving last minute [which he did Friday, btw] when I had my own shit to do.

PLUS there’s one girl who is a half hour late EVERY FUCKING DAY - which she doesn’t get FIRED is BEYOND ME - I think the parents complain about turnover.

But that means, when her student come in and she’s not there - I have to stand in her classroom, watch her kids, feed them breakfast, NOT DO MY WORK, till she comes. And today she was OVER AN HOUR LATE . She said she got in a car accident - and she probably did - but she’s late everyday so I really didn’t give a shit.

So today I’ve just been moody and pissy and I kept thinking about how bad it’s gonna be when the evening secretary leaves and even more work is thrown my way.

I got a shit raise. They said it was the most they could give cause corporate has limits. So I did the math and next year, when I get another raise, and I get the max - it’s still gonna be shitty.

So - even though I keep saying this and not following through - I really need to start applying elsewhere.

I really like the job and the people but they don’t value me. I’m fucking 33 years old - and they’re paying me a teenager wage while they’re getting ALOT more. And yes the director should get more - there’s lots of things she does that I wouldn’t wanna be responsible for.

But it’s almost an insult to pay an adult what they’re paying me.

And when I first took this job, it was paying more than Panera and they were newer and I thought as the school grows they’ll be able to pay me more - but.. it’s not really panning out.

And I think this younger secretary getting a new job that pays more than what I’m making is really putting a bug up my butt. It is killing me.

So my days of feeling sorry for them is over. I need to do more for myself - esp with Will threatening to lose his job over basically being FAT. Then I guess we’ll move into our new house in the ghetto with his parents and sister and uncle and nephew - I mean we’ll own it soon anyway, right??

I’m gonna die under this stress - I’m just a mess at the moment.