So it’s been awhile, not only since I’ve written but since I’ve done much of anything except break down, walk/lay around depressed, and well in general live life.
I had a resurgence of old memories, which brought with them sudden feelings I hadn’t felt, and wasn’t strong enough to be feeling. Or maybe the jokes on me because I obviously got through it. The thing was the memories came from no where, the thoughts that followed had always been around but I had normally been able to hold them back.
I finally found what is at the root of most of my self induced misery or at least I am hopeful. The accident ..(can I call it that ? not sure but still.) The accident that took away all my hopes and dreams and crushed me physically. It took more than just my ability to walk, and run, and work out, and be normal.
Before the accident, all the deaths, the traumas, the emotional abuse, the pain, the suffering.. I had told myself I could push through it because I was strong. because I had to be. I pushed my body, my mind, and held so tightly to the passion of what I was hoping to achieve, that all my hopes, my drive was caught up in this one goal.
Then right as I was really taking off, and the goal was insight my body failed. I failed. I went from tactical workouts, and big dreams which I felt validated all the pain, to stuck in bed. I laid there for months and I never got up again.
Physically I got up and walking in about 6-7, and mentally it may of seemed like I had at first. But in truth I just laid their, mourning, mourning everything I had put off, and then finally wallowing because I refused to accept my new limits. I refused to go easy, I refused not to insist to myself I had to perform exactly how I had before.
I lost everything, including my mental capacity to cope which had all been dependent upon my one goal.
I have wasted years.. so many years.. and now I need to let it go. I need to stop mourning, wallowing, and letting myself be stuck.
I need to move on, and some how something in me knows this is the thing (probably not the only) that I’ve been holding onto making me sick. I want to let it go now.
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