positivity in just testing

I always come on here talking about bad things - but today more than one person at work said they wanna hang out with me over the weekend cause my FB always looks like I’m doing fun things.

I’m not on here enough talking about how good things are.

I’m always complaining I have no money - and towards the end of that 2 week pay period - I don’t! And it sucks to feel broke. But when payday comes I run through it pretty quick sooo that’s my own fault.

Like - this weekend I went to a WWE live show for my nephew’s birthday. His birthday was in August - but the show just happened now. Had a great time!

And before I went to the show I strolled into Old Navy and bought 2 new pairs of jeans and baby clothes for my sis. Just a few little cute things.

I STRUGGLE with clothes. Thing is - one of my fave jeans nowadays was a 22 “sweetheart” skinny jean. Old Navy has all these different “styles” of jeans. And when they first come outta the dryer and they’re kinda tight, they look great. But after 1 wear they kinda stretch out and look dumpy - like I’m wearing jeans too big.

So I decided to go to ON and get jeans 1 size too small so when they stretch out they look normal. But they size 20 “sweetheart” jeans were too tight - too much muffin top. BUT the size 20 “rockstar” jeans fit great. So I got those but I’m confused as so what size I REALLY am. I don’t know what I am or what to aim for - size wise. I dunno.

And I tried to get a shirt in 2x and it fit but it was TOO LONG. I’m 5‘4” at the most with a short torso - so theyir 2x shirt was like mid thigh and it looked like a PJ shirt. But the 1x clung to my tummy too much to look good.

So I didn’t even get a shirt, which was fine but - I wish I could walk into a store and know what size I was and just buy stuff.

Are there any plus size petite stores? I mean I know Lane Bryant and Torrid but they’re not near me, they’re in the mall and I didn’t have time yesterday to go there.

ON clothes are cheap anyway. Their shirts are so thin they’re practically see-thru.

But Anyway I can’t complain I have no money cause I do....

And I can’t complain my life is boring cause I DO go places!

Like last weekend we went up to some mountain site and fed deers. We’ve done it before - it’s just tough cause sometimes there’s no deer around and sometimes there’s tons. Me and Will usually feed them bread but I read online that they shouldn’t eat bread - too much sugar, too unnatural for them. So we bough lettuce and they LOVED it and took it from my hand. It was Awesome!

That weekend I also went to an outdoor sculpture garden and it was cool to look at, and the weather was cloudy but comfortable so me, Will’s sis and her nephew had a good time.

And I complain about Will and I do miss him - I mean, I spend 1 1/2 days with him really a week and it SUCKS. But when we’re together we have so much fun!

I got home so late yesterday from the WWE show - 3 freaking hours long and it was 90 minutes from me - that I got home the same time as Will. He wanted to have sex [he liked my ass in the news jeans] but I was TIRED and I hadn’t shaved and basically had to fight him off but we were laughing SO HARD.

I’m sure with your significant others you have those moments that are hilarious that no one else gets to see.I can’t even remember what we were laughing about.

I feel really happy today. Also relieved that my period is now 4 days late with no sign of a period. I’m so glad I’ll live out the rest of my life without cramps. An END to the TORTURE - I’m FREE.

I told my sis I bought her baby some stuff but I didn’t show her anything. I’ll wait till Christmas. And she was telling me “don’t go crazy, save your money so you can have a baby too”!

I guess she thinks the only reason I’m not having one is money. And that IS a main reason.

I dunno what she’d think if I told her I’m back on birth control and not even trying. I hope she’s not waiting on me to have a baby so we can be moms together. That would suck if she really was thinking that.

I was thinking about it yesterday, after she said that. And I was thinking about how when I was younger - or maybe like 15 years ago - I REALLY wanted a pug dog. I still think they’re the cutest dogs on the planet and I always though - when I grow up and have my own house I’m gonna have tons of cute pugs!!!

Then - I moved into this place that doesn’t allow dogs and I was ok with it, a little disappointed. But THEN Shauna got a pug. And at first I was kinda pissed because she KNEW pug dogs were my thing and used to tell me they were ugly.

But she’s just the type of person to go out and get something YOU want to make you jealous.

And I WAS jealous. Her pug puppy was SO CUTE and I would go over and play with it and wish it were mine.

Then winter came - and she had to walk that dog, every morning and night in DEEP SNOW because that’s what dogs need.

And I was like Oh No, you can keep that pug.... we would joke that if I had a pug I would lower him out my apt window in a basket [I’m on the second fl] and let him do his business and then I’d pull him back up in the basket just so I didn’t have to go outside.

I HATE WINTER

And now I’m even more glad I didn’t get a pug cause she can’t go ANYWHERE directly after work. Even if her house is not on the way, she has to go home from work first to let the dog out and THEN she can go out for fun BUT she has to be back by 10 to let the dog out AGAIN.

That’s kinda annoying. That’s - obviously less responsibility than having a baby - but still.... like having a child.

Her hubby is a guard at a prison and works ALOT and so the dogs [she has 2 pugs now] are mainly her responsibility. And she loves them and I don’t think she minds all she has to do for them - but when I try to make plans with her and she’s late cause she’s waiting for her dog to poop - it’s annoying.

Anyway, I kinda feel like that about a baby. I used to really want one, but as I learned more about what it takes. I’m not sure if I want all that on my shoulders.

If I had more money and no work and a house then it wouldn’t be so bad. I wouldn’t mind being a SAHM. But I can’t juggle work and kids and no money. I don’t feel me or Will could successfully do it.

Now that my credit card bill is finally paid off and I’m getting some $$ in my pocket to spend on me and so money to go out and do fun things … I’m really starting to like my life.

My weight - another issue - but wearing size 20 jeans when I thought I was a 22 is a nice ego boost.

And Will paid off his car towing thing. It was like $600 for a starter and belts - this happened weeks ago - but it’s finally paid off.

The TV isn’t, I guess he’s not gonna pay that off till the last minute since they’re no interest.... I wish I had the paper work for the TV. How mad would he be if I paid the damn thing off! Oh, he’d be so mad.

Living for tax time when we get our refund and can finally book a cruise.

As good as I’m saying my life is - I REALLY need that escape.

I’ve never felt so free and happy as when I was on that boat and my only job in life was eating, drinking, being entertained and getting off the boat for beaches. Someone cleaned our room - we had no alarm set to get up and no bed time. The food was great and we drank anytime cause hey, we weren’t driving - and we dressed nice and comfortable and there was always a warm breeze and … it was so relaxing. I think about it often. My soul NEEDS it. I can’t wait.

Well today’s plans - errands while Will’s asleep and then we’re off to his parents because they literally invited us over to drink. I guess while the weekend is nice even though it’s fall they just wanna BBQ and drink and relax in the back yard. Should be nice.

There’s a chance that baby talk will be brought up about me and Will - usually it is at social gatherings. I told Will it’s his job to tell his mom I’m on birth control and this probably isn’t’ ever happening. I think it’s better she knows so she stops waiting and hoping. And he hates his mom bringing it up more than me so if he wants her to stop bringing it up he needs to tell her.