I wish I was making that up in Second 1st

Since October? .... ooof.... okay so.... mental health I guess....

I just had a session with my therapist at NOCD. It’s all online Zoom calls. It is focused on … BFRB (Body focused repetitive behaviors). Today was only my 5th session with Celeste. The first 2 were assessments and now we are working on a competitive behavior for skin picking. I am struggling hardcore ya’ll. I can’t identify the moment in which I can turn the behavior to something else. Talking to her twice a week and honestly, that’s too much for me emotionally.... I’ve been forced to think about when and why I pick and it’s only caused it to increase.... I’d say by a good 70% and I’m not happy about it. I wanted to quit this morning but we talked. We are going to move to once a week and I’m going to go back to trying to ignore it. Honestly, I was more successful with that.... nails are cut short and today is a new day.... every day is a new day.... an opportunity to do better than yesterday.

We talked today about my need to be productive.... one of the times I pick the most is just before bed. When I’m going through my checklists of what I accomplished and what still needs to be done. Why do that? because if I don’t sleep becomes wasted time in which I could do things. I need to inform myself of all that I have done in a day before I feel justified that sleep is the next logical thing to do.

The internet business still hasn’t made even one sale. I’m still doing it because it seems like more of a long-game kinda thing. I need to grow my following on social media but that’s honestly the first thing I abandon when I’m stressed.... Which I most obviously am always....

As always I feel like there are 1800 things to say....

Jodi (Rocky’s sister.... who.... well) I recently found out.... after 16 years together that Jodi isn’t at all related to Rocky. I’d spent our whole relationship thinking it was his cousin.... but the “dad” in question was the wrong dad.... instead of his dad’s brother being his bio dad it’s his adopted dad.... so Jodi.... who grew up with Rocky isn’t even his cousin.... they aren’t blood related at all..... Not that that matters really.... She’s working at The McDonald’s I start at for Doordash every day. We’ve talked.... hung out… she’s doing better than she used to. She had been in and out of Jail for the passed 3 years or so.

Thanksgiving Rocky’s mom didn’t come.... Jodi had to work, Sammy couldn’t make it from CA.... so it was just my family. It was nice untill....

Christmas my sister walked up to me and showed me a ring her son gave her..... it was my wedding set!.... Joshua stole it at Thanksgiving and I’d been looking for it. Angry at myself for obviously setting it somewhere and forgetting. I was cleaning for Christmas and kept saying Ït just has to be on the X.” Then I would clean that and ÖH it must be on the x.”.... did all the cleaning and rested on the idea that it was on my bedside stand .... or under it and not to worry about it just yet..... until my sister showed me claiming it was a gift to her from her son.

Honestly, it’s got me all messed up inside. The most expensive/nice gift I’ve ever been given was stolen and given to my sister. Neither Alicen or Joshua know or respect it’s value monetarily or emotionally. It is honestly amazing that between Thanksgiving and Christmas, it wasn’t lost forever.....

I think I handled it OKay.... “That’s my wedding ring. I’m sure he got it mixed up with this other ring” and pulled out a cute heart-shaped ring I bought on wish for 2 bucks that I wear sometimes. I then asked mom to talk to me outside alone.... told her what just happened and asked her to not make a big deal out of it so we can just have Christmas. While I was outside Rocky, Alicen and Joshua were talking about it. He is now no longer allowed to play video games at my house. It won’t matter soon though....

Plans are still on for moving in the spring.... though I’m the only one acting on any of it.

Jake is coming for a visit. I booked and bought the ticket with the card I bought the car with.... just a couple bucks added to my monthly payment. I need some good old emotional connection. I need to touch his skin. I’m growing very tired of this long distance. Not the relationship. Jake is amazing. I miss the electricity just under the surface of the skin in my palm when I think of him.... I need it as I feel I”m barely surviving right now.

I’m working everyday.... I work to $100 and then quit for the day.... usually before noon and always before 2.... on days I don’t have anything I have to adult to do I have a pot gummy. I had calculated for 1 a week for a year.... but I’m at 3-5 days a week now. Not happy with that but my afternoons are a lot more tolerable. It’s easier to sleep without the checklists and lists of things to do all the time. Things still get done, eventually.

I feel overwhelmed ALL THE DAMN TIME..... I have to be hyper-aware of everything trying to figure out what triggers the picking.

Rocky’s off today. It’s 11:20 and he JUST got up. I’ve worked and am calling it “done” at $600 this week.

I’m an emotional wreck this morning because I picked and the spot bled so fast.... and the dog was wanting me to pet her and I got blood on her :( and now I have to ask Rocky to give her a bath because I failed this morning.

It’s just not really shaping up to be a great day.... but hey I remembered to blog.... I mean I remember a ton but I never get to it. I put it much higher on the priority list today. Above most other things really. I miss this.... this unloading.... and I miss people… Keep thinking about grabbing a cup off coffee with the lawyer in Canada after I move but how is that even going to happen if I cant manage to keep posting entries.

Life feels chaotic right now.... it’s not.... but it feels that way.