It's like one step forward and two steps back... in In My World

3:44AM, September 7, 2014.

I feel like my life is spiraling out of control…again. I can’t tell if it’s just the stress or if it’s something deeper… I’m angry and sad and just..moody? All the time. I can’t control it anymore. I wonder if It’s because of the birth control…doubt it…its been over a year. Everything’s going wrong and there’s nothing I can do to stop it…

School started again. I’m in 4 classes - Environmental Biology, Lab, Developmental Psychology, and U.S. History. I’m not drowning in anything yet but somehow it’s stressing me the fuck out. In total I have 7 assignments due. The latest one is due on the 24th. The earliest is due on Monday. I think this might be where all the anger and stress is steming from…school. I’m not doing well and it’s only been two weeks. I HAVE to do well this semester. If I get any lower that a c in any class, No more financial aid for me. No more financial aid means no more college....No more college means a shitty job that I hate…Probably fast food. We live in such a fucked up system. I’m not cut out for college but I don’t have a choice if I want a future. I have to work as hard as I possibly can and hope for the best. I am already so stressed out that I can’t breathe. This is going to be a fun semester....NOT!

Speaking of our fucked up system…I can’t drive. I have a learners permit but I am so afraid to drive that I don’t even want to get behind the wheel. I can’t let anyone teach me because everyone that could makes me insanely nervous. I’m terrified to drive. I’m pretty positive that the only one who can teach me is my mother. She’s the only one who understands my anxiety enough to calm me down…problem is that she’s so nervous that she can’t be the one to teach me…This leaves me again with no teacher. Skye’s mom has offered to teach me many times but it scares me so bad…I drove with her once but they drive a large pick-up-truck and the fact that it’s big scares me even more. I could almost let Skye teach me…But it’s illegal. He’s too young to teach me. I don’t know what to do.

I don’t have a job and I’ve been using the shitty excuse of “not being able to handle a job and school at the same time” I’m pretty sure that no one even believes that now…though it’s the truth…I could handle babysitting but no one is going to hire a 20 year old with no first aid certification. I want to work at a daycare or preschool. Or maybe an animal shelter. I want to work with animals or with children. No experience = no job…This is such a shitty system. I don’t know what to do anymore. I really need a job because I never have money and all that fun shit. I can’t handle it. I can’t. I know me and I know that that is way too much stress to take on at one time…but I also know that the society I live in will never accept that. You get a job or you’re a lazy bum. Regardless of school status.

On to the most personal of the subjects…I’ve lost pretty much every friend of mine who aren’t my boyfriend or his best friend…One of them and I have been fighting all summer and apparently I made it worse by asking her to not take her anger out on me. One of them hung out with me one day and then on the way back from a trip decided that I needed to be cold-sholdered and we haven’t talked since. One of them hasn’t been talking to me all summer. One of them left for another state and will be back god-knows-when. Everyone else is either not talking to me for whatever reason or just isn’t around when I need them to be. Not only that but I’m finding it more and more difficult to be around anyone who isn’t my boyfriend or his best friend. Everyone annoys me or is hurting me one way or another. I really don’t know what to do. I feel so alone. I know that I’m not but at this point I don’t even know who to reach out to. It feels like everyone is abandoning me.

I’ve been so angry and just sad that I’ve been taking it out on him. I know that it’s not fair to him, and half the time I don’t even realize I’m doing it. I’m trying so hard to be okay that I can’t even see the stress that I’ve been putting on our relationship. He told me tonight that we were okay right now but he doesn’t know how much he can take. I’m so afraid of losing him. I don’t think I’ve ever been so afraid of someone walking away. It’s gotten to the point where the smallest things hurt to the point where I can’t help but cry…Like last night we were on the phone but we weren’t talking at all…It just irritated me so much. The background noise was so loud and he wasn’t saying anything. We apparently can’t communicate unless we’re sitting beside each other which was fine when I was spending all my time there but I can’t do that anymore because we’re both in school…and he’s got work. I’m not mad at him. The problems aren’t with us…But I’m so stressed out and angry that I’m taking it out on him. I don’t know how to make it stop. I want to reach out and tell him what’s really wrong, but half the time I don’t even know what is wrong. I just feel like crying all the time. Half the time I do…when I’m alone anyway. I can’t help but wonder if I have a form of depression. I can’t really talk to anyone about it because I have no idea what to say. I need to stop pushing him away but if I don’t realize that I’m doing it until it’s too late…what will I do?

I love him. I am absolutely head-over-heels, scream it from the rooftops in love with this boy. I have never felt so strongly for another person in my whole life. (Yeah, I know, worlds most cliche line ever but it’s true). I can’t imagine my life with out him in it. I need him here just as much as I want him here. And I’m scared to death that this whirlwind of emotion is going to tear us apart. I’ve been spending about 4 nights a week over at his house and I’ve never been happier…but at the same time I feel like crying and I can’t figure out why.

Unrelated to my love, Yesterday (the 6th) marks 1 whole year without the asshole ex who ruined my life. Anyone who really knows me knows how big a deal this is…It means 1 year since freedom. It has been one long year. I’m free. I’ve been free for one whole year…Yet the things that happened between us still feel like fresh wounds. Some really bad shit went down last April and I really feel like I should start talking about it now…I don’t know how to explain it though. I feel like some of the bad shit feelings are coming back up and just the thought of it really makes me want to throw up. I won’t though. I have way too much willpower to let this guy have any effect over how I’m doing now....Yet it feel like this feeling is never going to go away.

I’ve been pouring every ounce of my energy and attention into this app game called Summoners war:Sky Arena. The boys have been playing it too. We pretty much all started together. I out level them both by two levels because of how much I’ve been playing…even though I’m the one that started last. I’ve also been watching Sons of Anarchy. My mom started watching it with me and made me promise I wouldn’t watch the next episode without her. It’s a little funny…Two days in and I’m almost on season 3. They’re nice distractions but I’m realizing more and more that it’s really not a good sign…This always happens when there’s something going on that I’m avoiding…The problem with that is that I have no idea what it is that needs to be avoided…I just have school stress. I think that’s about it.

Anyway…This has been a long and tired rant about everything I can currently think of…I might write more tomorrow if I come up with anything else, but I doubt it.
4:41AM