Therapy to the rescue in Each Day

It was convenient that I had therapy the day after the conversation with Red. Tina helped me dig deeper into my experience of the situation and underlying issues. She showed me how my past trauma of being invalidated as a kid (literally what we’ve been working on these last 7 months) has resulted in this armour around me as a secure, self-loving adult. That experiencing a discord between what I believe to be true of myself and being told otherwise by a person close to me is going to hit a lot deeper and more painfully than the people I could shrug off. We discussed whether or not I should bring this up or whether it’s sorted now that we’ve talked about it, and I said I was afraid this might keep happening and that would hurt more than if I just talked to her about it. We came up with a bunch of ways to approach the conversation, which I promptly forgot.
I went and got donuts from the place Red got her wedding donuts from. I even got some of the same flavours.
I picked Red up from work and we headed to craft night. It was good! It was Red, LIlly and the sole guy of the group, who I will dub The Tatter (because he does tatting).
As seems to be our habit, we left a little early just to see what plants they have for sale, and I once again resisted coming home with a bunch of marantas…
As we were leaving someone said something about therapy, and I was like, “Funny story!!! You came up in therapy today Red!” To which she said, “oh no, nothing ever good comes from that sentence”. I told her about how the casual comment she made rubbed me the wrong way, and how my therapist and I figured it’s because it’s an old wound. I didn’t get into the part of being invalidated, or expecting my friends to know me better (or the underlying fear that they know me better than I know myself), because I don’t think that was the important part. She, horrified, was like, “OH GOD I’M SO SORRY!” and I tried to laugh it off and say it was fine. Which I think happened for the most part.

M and I were on leave Friday, and in the span of 24 h we both fucked up our backs. Mine was definitely an unhappy muscle from the mornings workout, but M’s was a flare of an old injury. We were geriatric this weekend (still banged haha). Also F1 AND MotoGP ended this weekend, so we have begun the long motorsport drought of winter.

I started writing this on Thursday after work. I did not write about last weeks drama of my boss telling me I’m FINALLY moving sections and training in a new job. Thursday afternoon he told me the excellent news and told me to confer with my supervisor over the schedule. The next day when I went in we were doing handover and I made a comment about taking me off the schedule because of the change. He was like, “yeah, that’s not happening”. He told me about some conversations he’d had with other people who were not my boss, and told me to take it up with the lead person in my trade. When she came back from lunch I asked if we could talk in private, pulled her into an office, and got super teary eyed explaining the back and forth. She put it to rest pretty fast, Boss was right, supervisor didn’t know what he was talking about.
So tomorrow I start in my new position coordinating visits and tasks. It might suck. But it’s something new and I’m okay with that.

This change mean no more shift work, no more having to schedule my entire life around my constantly changing shifts, NO MORE DUTY. The really big one is not being on duty anymore. It was so anxiety inducing I’d stop dead out of nowhere realizing I’d misplaced the duty phone, only to realize that I wasn’t fucking even on duty! Ugh. Awful.
I’m back to having my own desk, my own phone number, getting to leave for lunch. It’s going to be great.
On that note, it’s a school night, so I need to get to sleep. Gym in the morning