My daughter slept til 8 this morning. I still got up early but I was able to just lay in bed and play on my phone I was going to bake some cookies to have with breakfast but she wanted to go get food so we did. Also stopped at the store to get her some chips and I picked up some coffee and bottled water. She went with my brother and his family last night for a little while and then I packed up some stuff for them because we had gotten that turkey but I can’t cook it to save my life so I gave it to my brother.
We got home pretty late last night. I guess he had messaged my brother asking if I was mad that he want to see her. My brother’s girlfriend even said that he was more worried about getting me to react than seeing his kid. It’s always about a reaction.
I decided that once I start working there and if he shows up, I’m going to be very cordial. I won’t over do it but I’ll be personable and civil because I want him to walk away scratching his head really confused but aware of the fact that I’m not angry or bothered anymore. I’m okay with him seeing her for 5 minutes every few months. He’s the one missing out, not me. I think by just making sure he knows I don’t care anymore would maybe be the ticket in him just going away for good. Once he realizes that this isn’t going to be a source of drama, I guarantee he won’t care to make any more effort.
The main thing I’ve learned with dealing with a deadbeat narcissistic baby Daddy is he thrives off anger and negative. He’s that typical narc that doesn’t recognize his behavior but wants to point out your reaction. For me, I’ve reacted too many times and I’ve learned to become less and less reactive over time and I think if I were to put it out there that I’m not bothered about him being absent and not paying, he’s going to really lose it. He LOVED that I would beg for his involvement or bring up CS. I stopped doing all that years ago.
I spent years being angry, bothered, sad, and hateful to the point where I couldn’t function like a normal person. I’m embarrassed to admit how much time I spent being bothered by this person and I’ve worked through all of it enough to know that I played just as much a part in my suffering as I could have. I no longer want to be bothered or angry. Life is far too short.
Sometimes the best thing you can do is back off and let them be the parent they are going to be. If they only care to see their child every few months, that’s fine. They want to miss another birthday or holiday, let them. They don’t call or check in, that’s okay too. These kids grow up and see for themselves who the problem is. I honestly never thought I would feel the way I do and all I can say is I’ve reached a whole new level of freedom by letting go of the things I can’t control.
At the end of the day, him and I both know what he is. I used to be really bothered every time I took her to another appointment by myself or I was the one getting up with her in the middle of the night losing sleep, or I was the one to take her to her dental surgery but my daughter knows Mommy is here forever. She’s never had to beg me to be present, or take care of her, or love her. I remember begging him to take her when I needed it or begging for him to get enrolled and begging him to pay CS. I remember crying my eyes out because he was so fucking mean and abusive any time money got brought up. I think about all this when his name is even mentioned and that’s why I won’t plan another conversation with him unless we are in a court room or speak through email or a parenting app.
I think it was helpful that even my brother’s girlfriend was talking about how he went to see her just to make me mad. My brother said maybe it was just to see if he could visit again. No. He could have worded it a lot differently if he wasn’t looking for a reaction. He worded it the way he meant to. It’s just to get me to unblock him and end up in another abusive conversation that goes nowhere. I think it’s going to be great to just be cordial so he knows I’m unbothered.
Honestly, I’d love to be a speaker to all the women that have dealt with the same shit. I think I would really be insightful and make women realize that they aren’t the problem and help them deal with their deadbeats better too. I could really help others.
Some people are just evil. I think these people come into our lives to teach us how not to be. I put up with a lot but I was the no nonsense baby Mama where it mattered. I think he was hoping I’d let him move in and live of me or at best, hand over her SSN so he could get on housing and food stamps but still never be a parent. I’m definitely grateful that I didn’t put up with nearly as much as he wanted me to. I’ve seen plenty of my friends put up with deadbeats and let them live for free while they worked and paid for childcare while the Dad sat around playing video games not having a care in the world. I’ve also watched plenty of my friends let the Dad come in and out because having him there sometimes was better than not at all.
I made different choices. I felt that if I’m going to do it all on my own than I’d rather be on my own. I watched my Mom work like a dog her entire life while my Dad sat around living off her dime and making sure that his needs were met before ours were. I wanted better for my child and that’s why I’ve chosen to not allow the shit she did. I grew up watching my Dad sit on the couch and I didn’t want that for my daughter.
My Mom allowed way too much and is still doing it. I just couldn’t imagine letting myself be so beat down by another person that I would continue letting them control every aspect of my life and never being able to stand up to them. I remember when I was young that my Dad would make me mad all day long and I’d bite down on my lower lip and my tongue to the point where I would be bloody and swollen. The guy is a fucking worthless sack of dog shit that needs to be put away. No one should EVER get to have the control that he’s had.
I just think relationships should about trust, healthy love, and still getting to be your own person. I don’t think it should be where you don’t get to think for yourself, have a mind of your own and you are to give up your entire sense of self. I don’t believe my Dad has ever cared for my Mom, he cares about having a person under his control. I remember him coming around when she had ran off and it was just for us to help him get her back home so the control and abuse could continue. Like he didn’t know what to do with himself not having my Mom there to put up with him. I still remember him saying how he’d lost his control. That’s all it’s ever been about.
My parents are toxic and I’ve always felt a lot happier and in a better head space having no contact. I told my brother the other day that I’m not mad or bothered, I just don’t care to have a relationship with my Mom anymore. She’s her own toxic. She called me a month ago just to be in my fucking business. Throwing out excuses to avoid babysitting but has the nerve to ask about my kid’s Dad. I have no doubt that she was put up to that. I would bet anything my Dad is worried about his behavior being brought to light and he’s worried about it. Well, that could happen considering my kid’s Dad is obviously never going to completely drop off.
I remember when they came and got her back in June and I called my Mom and he had something shitty to say. I couldn’t hear what it was but I could tell by the tone that it wasn’t positive. That’s when the wheels started turning for me and I realized that it’s not in my daughter’s best interest for me to say anything negative about her Dad and it’s better that they don’t really know what’s going on.