As the song goes. I have been sensing for a while now that things are off with Lou. I love him and he has shown me love way more than anyone else ever has before. He is a good man. That is why this hurts so much.
I don’t know exactly when it started… maybe when we had that conversation about him wearing a condom still. I basically asked him why he still wants to wear one when he and I are both so in love and we are exclusive. Neither one of us are able to have kids anymore… we both had surgery to make sure of that. He told me that it’s a mental thing… because he was married for so long and now he isn’t anymore. That didn’t really explain anything to me but I let it go. I became paranoid about it thinking that he is either with other people or at least wants to be or to have the option to be with others. I didn’t make a big deal of it at all. I just gave it a lot of thought. I finally decided to just talk to him about it and I told him that given the fact that he was married for so long and now he’s not that maybe he does want to leave that option open to see other people. He didn’t respond right away and when he paused I told him that obviously I wouldn’t want to date him anymore if he wanted to do that but that I couldn’t be mad at him for that. He denied wanting to. I believed him. But there are other things too. He stopped answering his phone when I call. Considering that I hardly ever call him, I took notice. There were numerous things that led me to believe that he was withdrawing. Then right before he went on vacation with his kids he mentioned how frustrated he was with a few business related things so he wasn’t going to bring his phone. He said he would chat with people online while he was gone. His communication with me was miniscule while he was gone. I didn’t initiate anything with him because I didn’t want to interrupt his time with his kids. But I did notice he was online a lot of the time late at night or he would sign out right before I signed in. He came home around 7 pm Saturday pm but didn’t call me till after noon on Sunday. I still haven’t seen him. I was used to him coming over here approx 4 days or nights a week until now. I have asked him several times to get together since then and he always says either no or he says yes but cancels. I know it’s only been a little over a week but I can smell this shit a mile away.
I guess the fact that it’s been almost a year since we met and still nobody in his life knows about me is eating away at me. If it wasn’t for that glaring red flag of a sign the rest of this probably wouldn’t be a big deal to me.
I’m just tired of all this shit. I have been praying to God for strength if the end of Lou and I is here and if it is to just give me a sign, to let me see it. I think after he cancelled tonight (a Friday freaking night) I have my sign.
Now I am just praying to God to please let me be strong. I need to have faith in God’s plan for me. It’s all in His hands. Praise God.