No One Can Serve Two Masters in Current Events

Am I going to have a breakdown or a breakthrough? I can feel that things are shifting around inside my psyche. It’s high time that I meet it halfway. I need to support whatever process is trying to happen. Mindfulness is a skill that I need to work on. I am radically distracted and I need to just stop. Take a breath and take no thought. This is simple but not easy.

I’m okay, I am not falling apart over here as I type this. I have been through so many transformations over the last several years. Well, I suppose that I am falling apart over here. Old structures need to die to create new ones. Change is a destructive process. The last time I asked myself that question, breakdown or breakthrough, it was not a controlled demolition. I want this one to be a controlled demolition.

This thing we call the ego, the carnal mind, the devil, the demon, the inner child, whatever the nomenclature, it is self-preserving. It does not want to die. It does not want to build new fundamental beliefs. New systems or new habits. Everything will be fine, we will be safe if we just don’t change. This is where I am failing to develop a relationship with this part of my consciousness. Things are coming up to the surface for me to alchemize, to transmute, to process. The inner world is dark and full of terrors. There are many unrealized thoughts and emotions that need to be realized. To become integrated.

I don’t know where to go from here.

When you need food, you feel hunger. When you need water, you feel thirsty. When you need to grow… you feel stuck. I do feel stuck. At least, stagnant. Growth is a slow process for me. I overthink overthinking. I try to intellectualize too much. I just need to let go and let god sometimes.

I want to think natural thoughts. The nature of human desire is expansion and we are expanding into things that do not exist in reality. I don’t want to think of money, of borders and nations. Of rules and authority. I just want to think of God (nature). Everything is the release of energy. Energy at rest is god and it needs us to have experience. There are no conditions in counter-space, just pure potential. God gave us theatre, the aether so that we could have conditions and experiences so that he could grow. In this light matrix, this energy hologram, my body is his temple. Our bodies. I really feel connected to that truth. I want to be its humble servant. I just want to serve God (others) and the truth. I want truth to win.

I want to lay under the stars and lose myself in them. Look at the world through this new lens I have, fully. Experience reality with this new level of awareness. What am I cleaving to which holds me back?

I made a decision that I know I will regret. I decided to skip class this evening. I will learn the material on my own from home. Either today or tomorrow. I really feel like I need to be grounded. Sheltered. I need to shrink my surroundings. Get my barrings. Organize and prioritize my thoughts. These thoughts become actions and produce outcomes and there are so many different outcomes that I want. I need a detox. A mental one. I need better mental hygiene. I am tired of being radically distracted.

I also have to admit to myself that I have a porn addiction. My NoFap attempts keep failing. I even use a website blocker on my phone but I keep outsmarting myself. The more I don’t want to want to consume porn, the more I end up wanting it. The big goal, in general, is to not want to want. Wanting hurts. My hunger hurts, my thirst hurts, my libido hurts. Love hurts, dreams hurt, hope hurts. It’s all pain. The dopamine comes after the pain is stopped. My brain is manipulating me. Making me its slave when I am to be its master. It’s David and Goliath. Medusa and Perseus. Good vs evil.

Am I even capable of becoming stoic? I have the capacity for anything. I wake up with a clean slate every morning. Before my memories fully reboot, I can think and be anything. I am response-able. I can respond to anything. My ability to respond is infinite, though my capacity to respond is finite. This god-like power is wasted on me, I feel. I’m so incapable of change. At least, the process is too slow for me to notice. There is just something inside of me that is waiting to go supernova. I suppress it. It depresses me as punishment.

I reached out to that naturopath in the next town over that I keep referring people to. She’s great! I know this through my buddy John. She doesn’t play germ theory. I have a few goals for my body that I want to achieve with her help. I have a few other things that I want to look into but this one is on the top of my list. I need to get the ball rolling. Any ball. I can’t tell if I need psychiatric help or spiritual guidance to pair with that. Am I detoxing my mind and spirit of heavy thoughts and dense vibrations? I don’t know what is going on inside of me.

I have that yurt trip this weekend, that will be a great opportunity to do a reset. I’m not bringing alcohol. I’m only bringing food that is nutritious. There will be no fapping. No social media. No nothing. Just my friends and I enjoying the world the way are supposed to. Outdoors. Angelina wants us to microdose shrooms with her. I’m a lightweight, but I’m also a control freak and I don’t like being high. However, this is a common spiritual practice. If I could actually sit down with my personified subconscious, that would be stellar. A great shortcut. Of course, that would be more of an ayahuasca journey.

Ok, time to take a breath and take no thought. Supposedly, I can cover one eye and it will just turn the thoughts off. I doubt it. My big brain energy cannot be tamed. I shall try’th in vain anyway!

Matthew 6:31,33
Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.