I’ve had plenty of thoughts since last night and I’ve started to look at things from a different angle. I’m hoping that the CS won’t get paid and that he keeps the job because then after some time goes by, if he still doesn’t start getting himself together that’s on him. Then he can’t blame CS or ANYONE ELSE!! I just think he’s spent much of his life blaming everyone else for his short comings and mistakes that at some point he’s going to have to start taking accountability for himself and owning up to everything.
I really hope that he does keep this job and starts making his life worth something. I would really be happy to start seeing some payments, but if I don’t then I’m going to accept that there’s probably reasons for it. I think if he was smart, he would make a commitment to keeping his job, cut a deal with CS to get his license back and be able to get a car. I don’t even know how I would be fully dependent on someone else for transportation. He can’t even come see his child unless she brings him.
So if I don’t get CS, let’s hope that he starts getting his life together. If not, there’s no one to blame but himself. I’d rather he not pay it and then if he still doesn’t get his shit figured out, well that’s on him. If he doesn’t keep the job or doesn’t pay, he’s just going to end up owing even more and it be that much harder to pay. If I was him, I’d get a fucking job. I’d get 2 jobs and start getting it knocked out. At some point, it’ll be too much to even try to pay off. Again, had he not been so abusive and didn’t go so long without paying, I’d be willing to forgive at least some of it but I won’t now.
I plan to go see her for TANF on Tuesday morning and at least hear her out. I still have to figure out my own life as well. I’m willing to go, but if I’m still going to be stuck there 30 hours a week, I’m going to tell her to close my case. They’ll either close it or sanction me and if that happens, I’ll know that there’s no reason to ever go back on it.
I’ve talked to my friend and his Mom this morning and she was telling me about disability and for me to find a free lawyer to help me so I’m going to make some calls on Monday. I’d probably have a better chance if I was to have a lawyer. We’ll see what happens I suppose. If not, I’m going through with the onboarding on the 4th.
All I know is I’ve sat in my hurt long enough and I can’t do that anymore. I have to start getting my own shit dealt with. I’ve spent my daughter’s entire life for him to have EVERY chance to be involved and for him to be accountable. I can’t keep doing that. I have wasted literal years being upset over something I can’t change, that I have no control over and I refuse to waste any more time with it. It’s my job to be my daughter’s Mother, it’s not my job to try and hold an overgrown man child responsible. It’s just hard when he’ll come around after so much time passes and you think that maybe we’re going to make some headway, be in a good place from here on out and it never ends well.
I know he’s spent her whole life telling everyone that he’s this victim and how he’s not ‘allowed’ to be a Dad but I have THOUSANDS of screenshots proving otherwise. My friend’s Mom told me today that even with all the screenshots, I need to be documenting everything as well.
Since yesterday, I had my whole conversation planned out in my head of what I was going to say should I hear from them again but I’ve decided to not entertain it at all. If I do hear from her, I’m going to give her really bland 1 or 2 word responses, take my sweet time answering and then if there’s anything said about them seeing/taking her, I’ll not respond at all. Then I’m sure he’ll start texting me with the threat of court again and even if I’m sitting here with tears streaming down my face and punching the wall, I’m not going to respond.