So this morning I got my kid to school and picked up my medications. I was still feeling pretty hopeful and motivated about everything until I got to my program. I’m really down worrying about what I’m ever going to do because I don’t have friends or family to help with my daughter, even if I was in a pinch. I have a phone interview tomorrow and then another interview on Friday morning but that one is a ‘on your feet’ job and I just don’t know if I would be able to do it. I’m scared that I’ll find a job but won’t be able to function physically.
I called the other after school program and they put me on the waiting list. I just know there’s not going to be any after school care this year and even trying to find someone to help would be a big expensive hassle. I’m only able to work within school hours because even if there was someone to help with her after school, there’s not a guaranteed thing. People love to say they will help but then end up not being reliable.
My parents showed up at random last night but I had music blaring from the bathroom so I didn’t bother to answer the door. My Mom text saying to please let them in because it was important but with them, it’s always super negative shit and I just don’t care to hear it. I have more than enough of my own problems that I get to solve by myself every fucking day that I seriously can’t listen to other people’s bullshit.
I have told them a million times that they need to call or text before coming over. We aren’t always available for company. Like last night my daughter was in the the bath and I don’t want to risk anyone seeing her without clothes on. I also don’t appreciate the lack of respect by not even knowing they are coming. I don’t want my daughter hearing adult issues or anything negative.
My caseworker said that I have to go to that interview on Friday but I’m hoping I’ll get hired tomorrow at this other place. I am just worried that even if I get a job, no one is going to be understanding if my daughter is sick or has to be picked up early.
I just think that it would be really great if her ‘Dad’ was ever part of the equation to help me figure shit out. Not only did he not help up until 4 months ago but has now moved 3 hours away to even further his role in being absent. I just feel like until he’s ready to actually be a help in raising his child that I’m done. I am so tired of being stuck, feeling stuck, and not knowing what’s going on every single day.
Being a single parent is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I was foolish to think by now it would have gotten better but it’s actually far worse. I’m constantly stressed out and scared every day. I have to worry about my car breaking down, not having any support, and wondering if I’ll ever find a job that’s going to suit my scheduling and physical needs.
She called about my back issues today and we have to wait until the 19th when he can go over everything with me which means I get to sit in that room 8:30am until 2:30pm Monday through Friday. It’s 2 more weeks until my appointment. Today went really slow and I was about to start getting emotional because I just don’t know how I’m going to make shit happen with no help at all.
I would really like it if my family and BD came over here and explained how I’m supposed to make all this work without the help of others. I am really fed up with having no support system and sometimes I get angry when I think about how much this has affected our lives and my mental health. My thoughts are the exact same everyday. I’m completely on my own. I live in fear of the future. I am scared to death every minute of everyday.
There’s only so much you can do without money and no support system. I was able to figure it out before my daughter was school age but now everything revolves around her schedule. My back was fucking killing me earlier and I couldn’t wait to get the fuck out of there. Everyday I am in pain and it’s worse if I sit or stand for too long. I wake up in the morning and I’m really sore and can’t move around like I should. I’m just tired of feeling like I’m in a living nightmare. I don’t have anyone to talk to about all this and that makes it hurt more.