So we’ve had a pretty good morning. I took my daughter with me again this morning and made an easy $15. I’m pretty happy about that. We also got breakfast at McDonald’s and home for my daughter to shower for her big sister to get her soon. I need to get laundry done at some point and I’m not sure if I’ll do it today or tomorrow.
But yeah, I think the issue with my family is that they’ve gotten used to me always being the ‘helper’ that even after I had my daughter, they still had the same expectations. I remember my parents being around after my kid was born but it wasn’t because they were interested in being grandparents, but to drain my bank account. I had my bills paid up for 3 months before I was on maternity leave and they made sure to get most of it from me so I was completely broke by the time I went back to work and then still got to pay everyone nightly to watch my kid. She had 9 babysitters in 6 weeks by the time I found daycare.
I think because I had a child later in my life (I was 31 when I found out I was pregnant) that they were so used to me just always being available to help with each crisis that they felt that was going to continue even after I became a Mom. They don’t know how to have healthy relationships with anyone and that’s why they always had issues getting along with their friends and my grandparents. My grandmother on my Dad’s side had sent him a letter about a year ago stating that he owed her in excess of 40K. Do I believe that he’s probably soaked her for that much over the years? Absolutely.
I think the next time I hear from my brother, I’m just going to keep repeating that when he’s ready and able to help with my kid for even a couple hours at a time ever so often, I’ll help with his. Being a single Mom is tough and no one around me has done anything to make it easy. I’m very angry about how many nights I’ve given up to watch his kid as well when they do nothing but talk shit about my situation but won’t ever watch my kid so I can make money.
Sometimes I get pretty angry when I think about how much money I’ve given my parents in the past 17 years since I’ve moved out and how much that’s affected my life. If I wouldn’t have helped them, I would have had one helluva down payment on a fucking house! My family has always acted like it’s just my duty to fucking help them but have left me high and dry anytime I’ve ever needed anything!
My Mom does this thing when she’ll agree to help with my daughter but then the time comes and her excuse is always, “I forgot” and there’s been times where I’ve asked her MONTHS in advance and talked about it probably 20-30 times and she’ll still play the same ‘I forgot’ card and I’m sure it’s because my Dad doesn’t want her to help me! I remember on the 9th of this month getting my injection where she again agreed to help but then doesn’t. She had the nerve to text me while I was there asking me what I was doing?! I know she was hoping for an emotionally charged reaction so she wouldn’t have to feel bad for leaving me high and dry once again but she didn’t get it!
I’ve gotten into this thing where I don’t respond with anger or bother calling people out anymore. It’s just a waste of fucking energy. I just become really distant. I used to spend a lot of time making sure that people knew I was angry or upset about their actions but there’s no point in doing that. I let people be what they’re going to be and just remember it later for when they are hitting me up needing help. I’ve realized that no one deserves negative reactions because then that’s just giving them what they need to blame you for being shitty.
All I know is I’m going to find a job and a sitter when I need one and get my life back on track. I don’t have help and that’s okay because I’ll get everything worked out so I’m able to work and stay employed without anyone’s help. It’s pretty sad when the people who should care the most end up caring the least. It’s really tough no even having a support person but I’ve managed just fine.
I’ve sat in the anger and hurt long enough but now, I’m not going to let anyone’s actions get to me like it used to. I’m going to use all of this negative shit and turn my pain into power. I’m going to get myself when I need to be and I don’t care what I have to do. My daughter is the most important person and I want to give her the absolute best life I can. I do everyday and by myself so I refuse to let anyone’s negative opinions get to me.
My Mom’s boyfriend died a year ago today. I can’t even believe that it’s been a whole year. He was a good person and I’ve always said that he should’ve been my Dad. I think of him often and sometimes just sit down and let the tears flow. I still wish I would’ve made better efforts to keep in touch with him but I didn’t because I didn’t feel that it was my place. I’m going to live with the regret for the rest of my life. I still think about the stories he told me about being a trucker and about his grandkids. I’m sorry that he didn’t get to live longer. He died of pancreatic cancer. I remember when my Mom told me that it was terminal and my heart sank. I honestly thought that the chemo would have saved him but it didn’t. You only live with that about 3 months and that’s what he got. I guess he told his neighbor that ‘no one cared’ and I’m sorry he felt that way. I did care. I still cry my eyes out thinking about him, his dog.
It’s just a reminder that none of us are promised tomorrow and we need to make the most of our time while we have it. I just want to do the best with what time I have on this planet and know that my daughter will be taken care of once I’m gone.
Part of my reasoning for not getting angry anymore is because I don’t want to have regret later. I think you have to forgive people simply so you aren’t carrying around negativity. Hate is heavy, let it go. I’ve spent much of my life hating others and I don’t want to do that any longer. It’s only ever hurt me. I think it’s okay to stay mindful of what people do because then you are protecting yourself but hating them isn’t hurting them. It’s affecting you and your thoughts.
Everyone has their reasons for the things they do, whether we understand or not. I think a lot of the time having relationships with other people is just putting up with how they’ve been treated and figuring out how to not let it hurt you.
I have so many applications put in and hopefully I’ll hear something soon. I’d really like to start working in the next 2 weeks. I’m so ready to be earning money and making sense of everything. I have a much better attitude and I do believe that life is all about perspective. Just because I was raised by super negative people doesn’t mean that I have to be like that.
What I want is to work 4 days a week so that I can have 1 day to myself while my daughter is in school so I’m able to run errands and have time to decompress. I only want to work part time because of my back pain and I don’t want to go back to giving up all my time away from my child to be at work because I did that before and it wasn’t working for me. I have to have me time so that I can regain some sanity. I don’t want to go back to pouring from an empty glass. I did that for years and was completely exhausted.
I haven’t heard from my friend that’s several hours away for like a couple of months. I think about calling him but just haven’t gotten around to it. I just get tired of putting in more effort than other people do. It’s just hard for me to try and have relationships that have drained my energy and have struggled to make me feel anything but negative things.