I got up early to shower and eat breakfast before getting my daughter to school. It was another hot day. Thank God I was only there until noon because it was boring as shit. I’m really hoping I’ll get a job soon. I got my kid from school and ran some errands. We got our stuff from the grocery store, hit the gas station and then came home for awhile. Also went and got zero sugar Sprite and Nerds flavored grape packets. It was super good. I wish that Sprite wasn’t so expensive though.
I’m excited for next week because I have my appointment on Thursday morning with a place that may help me get a job with my back and schedule issues. I’m bound and determined that I will get a job and pull out of this situation. I know that I did this program back at the beginning of the year but I wasn’t in the mindset for it. It sucks that I have to go through all of this but it will pay off later. All I want is to be able to support my child on my own and be able to buy and do things like I used to. I also plan to talk to that girl I used to babysit for and arrange to meet up because I’m going to need a sitter at some point.
Still hoping I’ll hear about the after school program. I’m really hoping my daughter will get a spot because that would really make my schedule a lot more open.
I’ve spent way too much time dwelling in hurt, anger, and pain over being a single Mom and I can’t do that anymore. I can’t change him, but I can change myself. I want a better life for us and I’m not going to stop until I can make it happen.
The last 2 days, I’ve put in a bunch of applications on Indeed.com but most of them have gotten ahold of me where it’s been brought to light that I don’t have the availability for the times needed. I am planning on working fast food for awhile or something. I don’t want to for lots of reasons but I’m not trying to sit in that room forever either. Yeah it’s an easy check for the most part but I know if I stay there too long, I’m going to lose motivation.
I realize now that I want to turn my pain into power. I want my anger, hurt, and pain to fuel me to creating better for my child. I have a lot of anger within myself for letting someone rule my thoughts for way too long. There’s nothing I can do about him being a deadbeat but I can do my best in making sure we are okay.
It’s tough not having a support system or anyone that truly gives a shit but I’ll remember all of it when I finally climb out of this and people expect shit from me. If people cared, it would have never ended up like this. They just don’t care and that’s alright. There’s going to come a day where we finally pack up and leave too. My Mom lives 3 miles away and we haven’t seen her in over a month.
I know that this shit definitely gets to me. Even my daughter just said that she loves them but they just don’t come over. It just sucks how much my daughter has had to go through and will keep going through due to other people’s selfishness. I just hope she knows that I’ve tried with everyone her whole life and it still turned out like shit. Ya just can’t force anyone to care. It’s just life, no matter how much it hurts.