So this morning went better. My daughter was happy for school. She took a stuffie with her so she was fine.
I’m not thrilled that I have to go there tomorrow and be there until 2:30. I’m pissed that they can’t help with my car insurance and it sounds like gas vouchers aren’t going to be as forthcoming either. I just hope I’m going to find a job super fast that’s going to be understanding with my schedule.
My daughter asked about the after school program before she went in and I just told her that I didn’t know. I didn’t have time to tell her that she’s on the waiting list. I know that she probably won’t get in this year and I can’t get a hold of anyone at the other place. I’m sure they are full so I am not expecting to have any after school care this time around. It’s pretty much bullshit because I’m sure there’s plenty of kids that got spots that don’t need it. I just think that if you aren’t working and don’t plan to work that it’s not fair for your kids to be there when they could be at home.
I’m just hoping to get myself together and plan to get out of here at some point. I don’t have help here and there’s no reason to stay. Every time I turn around, I’m on the outs with whoever I am actually in contact with and I’d like to just move. There’s no reason to stick around other than my daughter loves her school. I know that I’m not happy and nothing is going to change no matter how long we’re here. This stuck feeling I have is really overwhelming and I need to start doing something about it.
I just wish my friend who lives 5 hours away wouldn’t have done all the shit to me that he has because I would have already done moved there. I still think about moving there but I gotta get life figured out here first. I haven’t talked to him in quite a while because he’s another one that loves to sit and talk shit and be negative. I just want to understand why everyone thinks that’s going to help me or motivate me to work when I don’t have childcare.
There’s so many key elements in this that are completely out of my hands that I have to find a way to navigate through. I’m tired of no one seeming to comprehend how fucking hard this is and it’s taken a serious hit to my mental health. Everyday it’s the same thoughts of I don’t get CS, the Dad doesn’t help, my family doesn’t help, childcare is expensive, and there’s no program after school to even help.
I’ve showered. I’m not quite sure if I’ll shower in the morning right away but I gotta get my kid to school and then eat. I probably won’t shower again until I get home tomorrow. I’m definitely glad I’ll be out of the house but the schedule is going to be really tough to deal with.
I’m going to be so glad when it’s not hot anymore. I am so fucking sick of sweating and being uncomfortable that I could puke.