Oh Lort. in Since OD is shutting down....

So I got my kid to school yesterday, ate breakfast and then went to my TANF appointment. The lady was very nice and she will be my new caseworker. She said there’s a 25 day probation period to make sure that everyone is committed so I won’t see a check for awhile. I’m pretty bummed about that because last time it was only like 2 weeks. She said something about 10 hours of job search and they are going to fax something to my doctor and see what he thinks I can handle as far as sitting for several hours every week.

I’m very frustrated with all of this. It’s just one barrier after another. I got the kids from school and took them to the park before taking my niece home. Apparently she has plans to hang out with her other cousin over the weekend and my kid won’t be included. Nothing new about that.

I get my daughter dinner and we watched a movie. I finally get the call that she didn’t get a spot in the after school program. It makes me furious because I know I was on the of the first to get the application in and had to even wait an extra day to hear something. She said that she’s 19 on the waiting list but if she gets more staff in and trained then my daughter can start along with everyone else. I don’t have my hopes up very high on that whatsoever. There’s another program I’m going to call on Monday but I’m sure they are full as well.

This thing where I can’t plan on anyone helping outside of school has really got me down. If I don’t get her into something after school, I don’t know where I will be able to work. Finding a job within school hours is like finding a needle in a haystack. I’m also upset because I know I can’t stand or sit for long periods of time. I physically can’t do what other people can. Even today, my back is killing me. I don’t see my doctor until the 19th and I have no idea what he’s going to say. I’m sick of doing these injections because it’s painful and only provides a few days of relief and I don’t want to keep going through it.

I’m just hoping I won’t have to be stuck sitting in that room much. I’m pretty sure I’ve already been cut down to 20 hours but that’s still a lot of time there. I have workbooks that I have to do and turn in on Wednesday and I’ll probably know by then when I’ll start and how many hours every week. It’s just stressful because my pain level is different every day and there’s days where I am struggling to even get my kid to school and then hurry home so I can lay down. I don’t know how I’ll ever work.

Social security is still deciding on my appeal. If they deny it, I’m guessing I have to reapply and start all over. I’m still very angry that I missed my appointments because I didn’t have a babysitter. I think about the fact that if I would have been able to go, I might be on disability now but of course, I had no help. It sucks that no one cared enough about my child to watch her so that I could go.

I was super fucking crabby last night and was happy for bedtime. I just didn’t want to talk to anyone and my brother wanted me to stop by. I told him I’m not going anywhere and may not leave my house ever again. I’m seriously just so fucking done with everything. Nothing can ever go good so I can start getting life figured out. It’s just one setback after another all the time and it’s hard to not get upset about it.

Sometimes I just want to crawl in a hole. My frustration is just boiling over and I don’t even have anyone to talk to about it. My brother just likes to add insult to injury and just talk more shit to me because it makes him feel better to tell someone how much of a piece of shit they are. I am just so tired of people not helping but are right there to criticize. My brother gets to act like this because it isn’t him and it never will be.

Then yesterday, I get the kids from school where my niece makes sure to say in front of my daughter how she’s going to have her other cousin spend the night and hang out with her for her birthday. Both of them were around for my kids birthday but apparently my kid can’t be around for that kids birthday. I’m also sick of how they treat my daughter like absolute garbage when they are together. I can tell that she feels like she’s just the third wheel. It’s just so maddening when you see your kid being treated like this and I don’t have other kids for her to play with.

All I know is I’m pretty burnt out with everything. I wish I could just take my kid and move somewhere new. I just don’t know how to make that happen by myself. I’m just so frustrated with everything. My daughter deserves people who love and appreciate her. She doesn’t get that and I do worry about how much this affects her. I know she doesn’t say much about it but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t see it, she may just not know how to express it.

I still have a little bit of a head cold which is driving me crazy. My daughter just isn’t into taking a nap today so I won’t get any rest. I have since done dishes and cleaned up the house.