So I’ve been with my kid for 9 days with no break. I can definitely feel myself running out of patience. I’m honestly sick of trying to figure out how to entertain her everyday and constantly spending money that I really shouldn’t be spending. Nothing I do is ever good enough. I’m really sick of her constantly eating all day long as well. She decided she didn’t want a shower earlier but then decided she wanted to shower before we went to the store. I let her know that I asked her before we were getting ready to go where she said no and she can shower when we get back.
Fight through the super crowded grocery store and even buy her a couple of her own treats. We get home and as I’m putting food away, I see her dumping out a bowl of cool whip. I ask her if she left in her room while we were gone and she said yes. She wasted a brand new bowl of that and I about lost it. I told her to stay out of it as that is my snack and the only thing I ever buy for myself. I like to add jello mix to it and that’s my sweet snack so that I don’t eat super unhealthy stuff.
I’m seriously so fucking ready for school to start. It’s been 9 days of no break and I’m seriously getting overstimulated and stressed out. I just don’t understand because when I was a kid, my parents never went out of their way to entertain us whatsoever. I’m also sick of having her playing on my phone when we go places because I don’t have unlimited internet and she used up all of it so I have to spend money putting more internet on my phone.
I am also concerned because my tire was low and I had to put air in. I’m probably going to have to replace it and I don’t have the money. I’m also pissed that her ‘Dad’ has never been any help. There’s never even been a time where I could call him and just vent about how hard it is being a single parent. He’s never been any kind of help and even when he sees/takes her, it’s just stressful and an added expense. It’s like there’s never ending punishment for having a child with the wrong guy.
Last Summer we were together 24/7 and I remember telling my Mom before school started how stressed I was and how desperately I needed a break and she just kept saying how she’ll be in a school in a week but no one understands how time drags the last few days. I’ve already been with my kid non stop for 9 days and I am just beyond the point of frustrated. I’m honestly ready to rip my fucking hair out.
Sometimes I don’t want to be a Mom. I get upset where anything I do is an issue for my kid. Whether it’s taking a shower, brushing my teeth, or even watching TV is a problem for her. It’s like she’s been content if I just sit and cater to her all day long and never do anything else. She’s been like this since she was probably about a year and a half old. I’m not to care about anything but making sure she’s constantly eating or doing stuff. At the end of the day, I have absolutely nothing left and I’m sick of pouring from an empty glass.
I’ve been watching old episodes of Teen Mom and find myself envious of all these girls that have a support system and still get to have jobs, go get their nails done, and be able to go to school because the Dad’s are involved and so are their families. I never wanted to completely put my life on hold to raise a child simply because no one ever helps with her and I have to plan to do it all by myself. I’m fucking sick of it. I think about how much different my life would be had I had a village all along or even in the past couple of years.
I don’t like where I’m at in my life at all. I definitely spend a lot of time stressing about the future and wonder how things are going to work out. I’m scared that I won’t have enough money for things and what would happen if I was hospitalized or something. I don’t say much to anyone else about this shit anymore because it’s not going to change and it just falls on deaf ears but I think about it all the time.
Part of why I don’t really talk to my Mom is because I have a lot of resentment that she’s never cared much about being a Mom or a Grandma. I get that her Mom left her as a kid and that probably doesn’t help but she could have definitely not been so distant and emotionally unavailable too. She’s made a lot of really hurtful comments about my life and I just don’t talk to her in order to avoid further comments that bring me down. I remember her telling me that I asked for this. No, I sure as fuck didn’t and neither did my child. I also thought that it would get better but it hasn’t in 6 years.
I also want to plan on going back to school but I’ll probably only be able to do it online due to scheduling. I remember last year wanting to take a program but it didn’t start until 30 minutes before she was to be at school and of course there’s no one that would help get her to school so that I could be there on time. It’s just one barrier after another. My brother likes to go on and on about how much better he feels paying for food without food stamps and I get annoyed because he acts like I’ve never worked when I know I’ve worked even more than he has. It’s like he’s always gotta be trying to be hurtful.
My daughter has been pretty good for the last few hours. I’m going to get her to bed early tonight. I’m excited for her to start school but it means I have to find stuff to do. I am not going to have another school year sitting here by myself. It’s fun for a couple of weeks but it gets really depressing. I wish it was easier to find a decent job with the right hours. I wish I could connect with other Mom’s that are in the same predicament as me. It really sucks not having friends and being alone so much.