Broken Brain in I'm About To Have A Nervous Breakdown
- Aug. 10, 2023, 4:33 p.m.
- |
- Public
Took mom to her optometrist appointment and while I was looking at the video game section in Wal-Mart I noticed I had the shakes. Was I hungry? Was I still detoxing? Was I craving? Craving…a bit. A few drinks or get high. It’s been too long to still detox…right? Hungry…no, I ate a sandwich before we left the house.
We left to head to Publix (seriously, Walmart is expensive now) and I noticed a familiar feeling setting in. Annoyance. Irritation. Little things will bother me. I took mom’s whimsy with a grain of salt but I felt like picking a fight. Cussing. Yelling. Purchased few chicken tenders at the deli and an Icee at Circle K. Food is gone, shakes are gone but I feel a headache coming on. I still feel irritated with the world. Just everything. Normally I’d drink this feeling away (thus amplifying it tenfold making me angrier by the drink) but I know that it will cost me dearly.
I’m sure Judge Cleveland would love me to stumble into her courtroom tomorrow, hungover and with enough toxins in my system to light up the analyzing machine to be seen from space.
It’s hot outside.
The sun is out.
I’m going to punish my body by taking a long walk till my calves are screaming at me.
✌️ y’all.
Last updated August 10, 2023
Deleted user ⋅ August 10, 2023
First of all -- you're awesome. Keep it up. Choosing to go for a long walk was a good decision. Movement, getting out in a healthy (non-substance) environment, and distracting your mind is a great combo to help.
It's hard in the beginning. Your brain literally has to rebuild. Chronic drug/alcohol use modifies your brain structures, changing pathways, changing receptor numbers and neurotransmitter anabolism. Your brain came to rely on the substance(s), and when they're gone it's deprived until it can rebuild itself. That takes time.
Your liver, too, becomes used to doing certain things and has to rebuild how it functions. Your blood stream changes, and systemic organs can begin to repair themselves and get back to functioning the way they're supposed to. But it takes time and it's not a lot of fun on the way.
Getting high was kid days for me and I didn't have a problem dropping it. Literally just forgot about it. Drinking on the other hand was one of my first memories--seriously--as I come from a family of heavy drinkers. Having a trash can full of empties was normal, especially when multiple people were involved.
The first time I quit drinking, after about two years I thought, "Well, it's been a long time, it wasn't a hard quit, I don't have cravings--I can probably have a drink every now and then." Not only was that a dumb decision, but I actually didn't like the first couples times I had drinks. There is a mindset you can have in sobriety that is evasive when you drink often. I did not like having a buzz! But I continued drinking with friends, etc., and next thing I new I was drinking pretty regularly, gaining weight, and being less productive.
Eventually I quit drinking again. It's been a year now. I love it. I do not miss alcohol. It is waaaay overrated.
J.E. Deleted user ⋅ August 10, 2023
I've got ADHD and even though I'm 40 I have my moments where I'm bouncing off the walls full of energy. Smoking was the was to turn it down from 11 to 5.
Deleted user J.E. ⋅ August 10, 2023
Me, too.
Deleted user ⋅ August 10, 2023
Oh, this app is awesome:
https://www.reframeapp.com/
Palmtreesandzebras ⋅ August 10, 2023
You can do it. When Slate was first getting sober, and in rehab they were only allowed like 2 short walks a day in a group. Once he moved to the 2nd place he would walk miles, or play basketball. Anything to just keep from being grumpy and angry and to the fight the urge.
Keep it up and maybe go to bed early.
J.E. Palmtreesandzebras ⋅ August 10, 2023
Ha. Bed early. 🙃
Sleepy-Eyed John ⋅ August 10, 2023
Good idea about walk!
J.E. Sleepy-Eyed John ⋅ August 10, 2023 (edited August 10, 2023)
Edited
Figured out the route I take (Google fit) is almost 2.2 miles. I feel good when pouring sweat now.