I was doing so well at recovering from the year and some odd months with him. We would talk once in a while. We would spend time together too. Then we got back together. But it wasn’t the right time for us.
When we first got back together I loved him and was in love with him. I wanted to see him. He was working and working on himself. Then something happened at work and he started leaving early or not going in at all. After a few weeks of that he was let go. Had he been there longer, or had he filled out FMLA paperwork, his job could have been saved. But neither was the case. So he fell back into not working. Not making money. Needing me to pay for things for him again. But this time I said no a lot. He still got some stuff but not nearly as much as he used to. At first he knew he had acted like a child made an effort to not be like that but as the months went on he lost that thought and began acting like that again.
He had went up an hour away for a job that didn’t pan out and he was left up there, so was his story. He called around for help but no one would, he has used us all. That made him think about what he’s done with his life. He decided he needed a job. But the damage was done to US. We weren’t ok. Not one bit.
He started drinking again. Slipping into old habits. Cheating on me, drinking, smoking not having a care in the world. Except for his girlfriend wasn’t putting out. So he didn’t like that. I ended everything. I dropped him off and said bye and sped away. I said bye a couple more times and suspended his phone, which will be reconnected in a couple days because the bill payment needs to go through. So he has no real way to contact me except from someone else’s phone. But I suspect he doesn’t want to contact me. I suspect he is furious with me right now. He can’t talk to his girls, unless he is using his parent’s wifi.
So lets revisit the me not putting out thing. Sex with him had always been about him. He wanted a bj to start it off, always. I was never touched it was just suck my dick and then I’ll do you from behind. Then he started to try a little with me and I enjoyed it. But every time he would see me he would want a bj. He would want sex. I wasn’t feeling attached to him so I didn’t want to. One time I gave him a bj until he came and I just spit it out, I always swallow, so that pissed him off. He wasn’t ok with that. The after that I just didn’t want touched. His touch just meant he wanted to get laid, not that he loved me.
We need to be apart. I need to be single. But it hurts. It hurts that I let this happen. I do love him, oh so very much, but I am not in love with him. I want to hug and kiss him and cuddle and be loved. But I think he needs to experience that all with someone else for a while so he can see what I gave him. More than saving his life.
On top of this crap with him work has changed. Hopefully it’ll be better this week. Last week sucked, big time. At least I’m not doing terrible with school.