Friday. in Since OD is shutting down....

It doesn’t even feel like Friday. My daughter has been home for a week so all the days run together. We got breakfast this morning and stopped at the gas station. I have been cleaning and just getting stuff put away.

I started that entry last night and then didn’t get to finish it. I’m still pretty concerned about stuff and upset with my Mom for saying that I just shouldn’t let my daughter go with her Dad. I am not going to keep her away from him as he’s already missed so much of her life and if I do keep her away, it’s going to be the right reasons. It’s not going to be so it’s protecting someone’s weird behavior. I honestly feel that everyone does what they can to make things harder than they need to be.

My stress is out of control. Sometimes I seriously feel like I’m just going to come out of my skin. I’m seriously sick of worrying about everything like I do.

She’s doing good after surgery. She said her teeth itch which is a good thing because that means it’s healing. I’ve given her some chewable Tylenol and she’s bugging to go somewhere. I do need to put money in the bank and get my medication. We are definitely starting to get bored but I’m glad we have a home, food, and AC.

I told my Mom yesterday that I think she’s just gotten so used to looking out for my Dad that it’s really messed with her judgment and that’s why I don’t exactly trust her. I also said that I don’t work because I don’t want to worry about him being around my daughter for any amount of time. I just don’t trust that he would drop my Mom and kid off and go home and I don’t trust that she would tell him to. Even my brother said the other day that he has just quit asking her to babysit and so have I. It’s just a miserable headache even if she does do it.

Everyone needs to understand that he’s threatened me with court so I want to keep things as peaceful as I can. I don’t want a court order but I also don’t want to add to his decision to make that happen either. I told my Mom that this is stressful enough because I don’t trust him and I don’t know the girlfriend enough to really trust her or her motives that we really need to be mindful of what we are saying around my kid. He is on the BC and there’s plenty of problems he could create so I don’t want to give him reasons to fucking do it.

I think it’s crazy for my Dad to do the shit he does when he’s always known I’ve been the whistleblower for years. Even after I made up false allegations a year ago, he still finds ways to cross those lines. I just don’t know how to get through to him that he really needs to be aware of himself around my kid. I told my Mom that I think he’s just more comfortable being weird at his own house and that’s why we don’t come there. The less he’s around my child, the less I have to be concerned about. Sometimes I wonder if he does this shit because he’s hoping my daughter gets taken from me so he doesn’t have to worry about me asking my Mom to babysit. Who knows what the motives are but I’m going to continue keeping my daughter’s contact with him at the bare ass minimum.

I’m not going to keep my daughter away from her Dad unless I feel there’s good reasons. I don’t think he would harm her but that’s because there’s plenty of other people around to keep her busy and take care of her. I am never going to let anyone make me feel guilty for the choices I make in keeping my daughter safe. I won’t keep her from people especially if that means protecting someone’s shitty behavior and by doing that, you are only helping it happen again. The more people get away with, the more bullshit they are going to expect to get away with. I told my Mom that I think him and my little brother have done nothing but bulldoze her so that feel they should get to do that with everyone.

This world is a such a crazy, fucked up place. I spend a lot of my time thinking ahead and making sure my daughter is safe at all times. Once you have kids, your perspective is so detailed and it drives me crazy a lot of the time. I don’t even post my child anywhere on social media and I don’t plan to. I’m terrified of other people’s motives.

I still haven’t called about getting her into counseling. I just don’t want to worry about taking her out in the heat but I think counseling would be good to help her cope with her Dad not really being around and not making much effort with her. I’m just her Mom and don’t always know what to say. I know that I do the best I can but I don’t know how to solve every problem either. I just want my kid to be happy, healthy, and loved. It’s hard to try and deal with all of this by myself all the time but I do what I can to make it work.