On A Role in Current Events
- July 19, 2023, 12:21 a.m.
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- Public
I’m on a roll with entries today. Business as usual. A part of me wants to write today off as a bust because I’m just hard on myself like that. It wasn’t that unproductive. I attempted to create content and failed, again! I am too camera-shy when it comes to speaking to it. I used to have no selfie control but this is different. I need to find a way to push through it without adding alcohol. Though, that couldn’t hurt. I just don’t want that to become a clutch. I also don’t want any alcohol in the apartment.
I went online to look for advice on the matter. I will try again tomorrow, I have all day after all.
I took a screenshot of me looking frustrated in front of the camera and sent it to Michelle on IG. Not me looking frustrated trying to talk on camera. Just as I hit send she went live. I watched her do it without any trouble. That’s the level I want to be at. I shared my empty page with her while I was at it. I’m not ready to do that on here. Maybe one day to anyone who asks for it. I’d love to go live with her one day.
I’m also fasting today. I want to fast overnight as well. I’m approaching 24hrs which is around the time I start to feel highly energized. I don’t think my body has switched over to ketones yet because my appetite is not suppressed. My diet is high in carbs. Vegan things.
I did two coffee enemas as well. Overkill? I also meal-prepped some pasta salad and potato salad. I wasted a lot of my day trying to get things out of the way so that I can assume my role as a content creator. I will have all day tomorrow. I only had one shift this week. I got time. I get distracted by the thought of my roommate coming home from work. I don’t want to film anything while she is home.
I have been avoiding my video games, I am also trying to avoid doom scrolling on my feeds. Speaking of which, I decided to download Snapchat for some reason. It’s been years! I don’t talk to anyone that I have added.
Blah, anyway. I have a pair of trousers soaking in warm water ready to be stretched. I gained 10 lbs, officially. I’m a plus-size person now and my clothes don’t fit. I say that in jest. I bought these trousers at a thrift store that has no fitting room and a garbage return policy. They are tight but I can stretch them out. I would throw them out but my ass looks too good in them. Our bottoms flirt with people when we are not looking and I need all the help I can get.
I am actually quite proud of my weight gain. I’ve always been very thin. My secret is poverty. I weighed 160 lbs when I graduated high school, I’m 6’ tall. I dropped to 135 lbs in my twenties. Coffee and cigarettes were two of my meals. I wanted to be 160 lbs again when I turned 30 and I did that the wrong way. I felt like shit because I ate like shit. I dropped to 150 when I went vegan. Then it slowly climbed to 170 lbs since I quit coffee. I don’t have a waist, it’s all muscle. Well, actually I think it all went to my ass. If not my head.
Zampano ⋅ July 19, 2023
It sounds like you have and are accomplishing a lot! If you are anything like me and a few of my friends...we have trouble releasing dopamine or basically activating the reward part of our brains. It's partially what drives us to accomplishing so much and also self-medicating with alcohol and pot. One day I realized I could accomplish 20 times more in a day than the average person and yet never feel the natural reward most feel at just waking up and getting through a work day. Its part of being a great mind but at a certain point you have to love yourself.
My intellectual counterpart friend was/is like this. He's a classical pianist, a BioChemist, read great literature and philosophy but it has driven him to a nightmarish battle with alcohol. He's lost most of his friends (including me.) The big difference between him and myself was my attention to self-care, health and wellness and yoga. Love yourself. Mindfulness. Guided meditation. Through these things I felt love and respect for myself finally which I had not known. I found the magic of being alive.
Sadhuru is a Yogi/Guru and he says he is "high" all the time. He is on no substances yet he is high in the sense that his body is releasing the same chemicals that substances release but naturally. I have achieved this before. When one lives in accordance with nature and in-sync with the universe kayaking down the creek around my home became like kayaking through heaven or just being aware we are where we actually are: an alien planet full of wonder.
I taught an intense power yoga session once to a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu gym. All the testosterone and brothers pushing each other to the max (there was no way these fighters were going to be out-done by a yoga guy:) and after class one of them came up and gave me this look. His pupils were extremely dilated like he had just eaten mushrooms. And I'll never forget that look. He was tripping-high off of my yoga. Like I had just dosed him something and exceptionally grateful.
TL Zampano ⋅ July 19, 2023
Sadhguru? I am a fan of his. I started his book Inner Engineering for a second time just a couple of weeks ago. Well, his audiobook. I am waiting for hot weather so I can go lay in a field and get lost in it. I have experienced a blissed-out state once or twice. No substances induced it. I am currently feeling an elevated state of something because of my fast. I have quit cigarettes, eggs, meat & dairy. I don't touch alcohol as much anymore but when I do I feel guiltridden for no reason. I want to cut it out permanently. Coffee is another one I have quit. Well, I drink mushroom coffee which has instant coffee powder.
I am not a yogi, per se. I understand that word means union but yoga as the West understands, I am not. I streamed a session or two just a couple of weeks ago because I do want to start. Maybe you can direct me somewhere that would be a good start?