Mental health dive. in Since OD is shutting down....

So I’ve sat here by myself all day. I’ve cried a lot and just haven’t been in the best place in my head. She had gotten a hold of me talking about trying to end it with him and blah blah blah but then later said that she’s taking him with her on a cruise. I fucking lost it. So once my daughter is returned tomorrow, I am going to make some changes.

In order for this to work, I need to do what I can to preserve my mental health. I’m going to be removing her from my snap because I want to be able to have a paper trail of all conversations due to him threatening me with court. I’ve also decided that I will be blocking them on Facebook because they do not need to see what I’m active because to me, that’s just intruding on my space and it’s just weird. I feel that all contact needs to be through text and only about visit arrangements and him calling to talk to her. We don’t need to have any communication through Facebook whatsoever. I also don’t want my daughter calling them through Facebook when I’m not paying attention.

I am also not into them taking her for days at a time anymore for a variation of reasons but I don’t see that really being a thing anyways because school starts at the end of next month and they are going on their cruise sometime in August anyways. But I’m going to make it clear that from now on they can have her one night at a time and I’m not even going to give a reason for it. Just this last night they could afford a motel room and I have no doubt they can afford it again. They do plenty of traveling and obviously have money for it so they can figure it out. He chose to move 3 hours away and it’s up to him to be able to make transportation and travel costs so he can figure it out.

Another issue is I’ve allowed myself to become too friendly with her by saying more about him that I should have and have listened about their private affairs and that ends now. Whatever goes on is between them and I will not engage beyond this point. I’m not going to say anything positive or negative, she’s on her own. Their relationship has nothing to do with my daughter or myself. We all know that he’s a shit pile and if she wants to entertain it that’s on her but I can not ever bring myself to be a part of it again.

I have let myself be just too angry about all of this and I have to stop. I need to work on myself and quit being so down about my life. I just need to do what’s needed to preserve my mental health and I’m going do that by keeping my contact with them at the bare fucking minimum and that’s what’s best for my daughter. I also plan to not respond to messages right away and when I do, I will only say what’s needed. I don’t plan to be rude, but I don’t plan to be friendly any more either.

My friend said something tonight that made a lot of sense. She said he shouldn’t be allowed to make me angry anymore. I also wish that I was in a position where I didn’t have to care about his involvement either. I’m very frustrated that I don’t have any type of help but I’ve gotten this far without it and I just have to keep making it all work. My problem is I do internalize way more than I should and feel things way too deeply.

I agree with her when she said that yeah he ‘gets to’ go on that cruise but that’s their private life and I can’t be bitter and keep my daughter from them and I don’t intend to but I also need to make it to where I’m also not hearing about their private life as well. I need to do better at protecting myself. I know that no one ever considers my mental health and my daughter’s happiness comes from mine but I do.

I’ve cried more today than I have in a long time so my eyes are burning and they sting. It’s really late and I should try and get some sleep. I need to get some things at the store tomorrow and be ready for when she gets home. I really hope that I’m going to have a better mindset in the morning and just try to take some deep breaths and remember that I’ve been through worse.