Just my thoughts. in Since OD is shutting down....

I picked up my daughter and fed her a steak and cheese burrito for dinner. I didn’t give her a bath because she was too tired and said she wanted it in the morning. She told me that I hurt her feelings this morning and I told her how sorry I was and that I wouldn’t do it again. I felt so bad and gave a million kisses and that I was just really stressed out because I had a really important phone call. She asked what it was and I just told her that it was adult stuff. I still feel really bad. She mentioned going with her Dad on Monday and I said even if she doesn’t go, that we will go do something really fun. I picked up the movie tickets and I plan on taking her to a movie and getting snacks.

My brother talked to my Mom earlier and was told that he didn’t attend the hearing. He messaged earlier for us to come over but I told him that she was up early and was getting ready for bed and he said we might do burgers tomorrow. I know he wants to know what the CS was raised to so he can bitch about it. I may or may not tell him the amount because I don’t want to hear about it and he might tell my parents. I want people to just stay out of it at this point because I don’t want to talk about it anymore.

I see it this: he did what he did. I felt what I felt. It is what it is. I’m all about healing and having peace now. I’ve let him rent enough time in my head and I need to move on from it now. If I ever want to be in a relationship, I have to let this shit go. I don’t want the next guy to hear about my deadbeat baby Daddy all the time because that shit would get exhausting. The guy doesn’t deserve all the attention he’s gotten for like 7 years now. I’ve actually gotten to the point where I’m sick of talking about him. He’s trash. I know that and I will know that for the rest of my life. My daughter will figure it out too. It’s just annoying even thinking about it.

My head and heart was so fucked back when I was pregnant. I don’t know how I functioned. I would go to work with the biggest smile on my face and I did a great job at pretending like everything was alright when I was absolutely broken inside. I became a single Mom and carried on like I had this picture perfect family at home when I knew it was just my daughter and I. My kid spent more time in a daycare than she did at home with me. Neither of us had a choice because I had a job that didn’t allow me enough time with and he refused to care enough to give her any of his time.

I have my eyes open and in order for me to heal, I have to feel everything so I can let go. I have done this and it’s like everywhere I turn, there’s someone that wants me to be angry or wants to bring him up to put me back in that time where I felt so broken and alone. I won’t allow that again because those feelings don’t exist anymore. I’m all about moving forward in a positive direction so I can be happy. No one will ever take that from me.

As far as the CS being increased, it’s either going to make him more of a deadbeat or it’s going to force him to become a man. If he decides to stop seeing his child and punish her for it, well he gets to live with that. He’s never been emotionally capable of being a Dad anyway and that’s why I learned early on to never ask him to be involved. If he decides to end visits with her, I will tell her that I don’t know when she’ll see him again but we still love him and that he’s working on himself like I’ve told her in the past. I won’t say anything negative and I won’t shut him out like I’ve done by blocking him. I’ll leave the door open. Both him and the girlfriend will still be able to make contact once they’re done being over the initial shock of the new CS amount.

I’m sure I’ll hear from her once they are made aware of this. I’ll let her know that I’m not willing to have a conversation about it because it will just lead to a heated argument and I don’t want to go down that rabbit hole. I try to see it from their side that things are going to get even worse because it’s even more money that he’s responsible for paying but that’s not my problem. He wouldn’t pay it back when it was an affordable amount and if he was a communicative person, him and I could have a reasonable talk and figure it out! It’s not up to her to try and fight his battles for him to begin with. I’m also done trying to make deals with him to convince him to contribute to his own child. I should have never tried to do that and I never will again.

He chose to forfeit his defense by not attending the hearing. He also didn’t send in the financial documents that were requested. He also hadn’t paid in damn near 2 years. He’s always seen CS as an option, not an obligation. This isn’t a joke. This could lead to jail time. It’s all fun and games until there’s consequences. I understand that I could have left the amount alone and made it ‘easier’ for him to get his DL but he can get it regardless of the amount. He CHOSE to not pay for months and years at a time, putting all the responsibility on my shoulders while he partied, slept all day and drank like a fish.

My friend brought up a good point this morning and even if he gets his DL, they could still do a background check and discover that he has a warrant too. That could bar him from getting hired as well. I guess it would just depend on how extensive the background check is. I guarantee he’s not the first guy that owes CS and the employer told him what he needed to do in order to get his license and he isn’t going to do that because he doesn’t want a commitment to a job and he damn sure doesn’t want a commitment to paying his fucking CS!

He has never ONCE stopped to think about how being a single Mom has affected my life or what this is like for my daughter to grow up not having a Dad. All he’s ever done is worry about himself. He’s had zero regard for us since I told him I was pregnant. My brother likes to go on and on about how women are just emotional and we are just about revenge but every situation is different and unique in its’ own way. You can’t put all women in one category! We all feel differently, we all let things go in our own time too. I’m not out for revenge at all, what I am out for is holding him accountable. I was the one surviving off 4 hours of sleep every night and getting up to work a high energy fast paced job with an infant in daycare while he got to sleep around and be a party boy.

As a single Mom, I’ve had plenty of set backs because you don’t always have a sitter when you need one. I have missed numerous important things since I don’t have a village. I don’t know if he’s always just assumed I have someone to help with her and I’m just good but that’s not the case nor has it ever been. Just over time I knew to never ask him. In fact, he told me many times for me to find a sitter. He wouldn’t help and he made sure I knew that.