Personality in Each Day

I’ve been feeling quite low since the thunderstorm. It feels unnatural, uninstigated. There’s been a buzzing in my core that feels like anxiety, but I have no idea what I’m feeling anxious about.
M thinks I should get off these meds. I don’t disagree, but I also don’t want to give up too soon. They have yet to take me back to that place of peace.

On Monday I was talking (in text) to The Mage (I haven’t talked about her in a long while, this is the first time I’m naming her in this journal) and I made a quip about my broken brain. She wrote back that she wished she could do more to help, that she’s seen me struggling. I appreciate that. We live such different lives and are so far away I feel like we don’t have the relationship we deserve. I wrote back to her, “I’m honestly not sure what would actually help with this brain thing… meds haven’t worked, three years of bullshit talk therapy (while begging for specialists or more-than-talk therapy) hasn’t helped. I’m just starting with a new psychologist (I’ve lost count of what number mh professional this is… 9?), and she has a specific plan for me, so maybe this will be the thing.
“I don’t care to feel normal, I’ve been weird my whole life, and I’m happy to be a weirdo. I just want to feel like not-a-disaster, like I’m letting people down because I forget, or I fuck up. And dear lord I am tired of fucking up. It’s exhausting, I’m exhausted, and lately I’ve been losing hope.
“I’ll never forget what [the commanding officer of the entire military training establishment] said to me at my Grad, “So, that light at the end of the tunnel wasn’t a train, after all?” And it wasn’t, but it still is, and I feel like it always will be (even when it’s not), and how do you go through life waiting to be hit by a train?”

I’ve been feeling heavy futility lately, and that train just keeps pressing in on me. Intrusive thoughts and suicidal ideation are through the roof. I don’t know why but I have a really hard time talking plainly about it with M. I end up using flowery language or dancing around the hard words… It annoys me that, after all of the things we have talked about and been through, I still stumble on this. EVEN THOUGH he and I have talked about suicide as a viable end of life strategy. I guess it feels a little like betrayal of the purity of end of life planning vice the brutality of suffering mitigation.
And let’s be clear, the only way I’m suffering is mentally. So I have a lot of interest in what the new psychologist can do for me.
But should that fail…

I saw that psychologist today, just left there in fact. I’m sitting in a hotel parking lot with an iced coffee and a pastry, writing this on my phone with my thumbs. Haha.
It went pretty well. I was feeling hostile and closed when I first got in there. The last time I saw my psychologist she said the psychiatrist had confirmed her suspicion that I had borderline personality disorder, and I seethed. So I was expecting to have to advocate for myself. Instead she read me some things, asked me a whole bunch of questions (ones I recognized as BPD diagnostic questions) and then proceeded to tell me exactly why I don’t have BPD. Whew. I don’t remember if I’d mentioned the autism theory to her in our first session, but I wanted to leave that alone for now. I’m sure it’s going to come up again.
She asked me what I wanted out of our sessions. I told her, I just want the inner monologue to stop being such a fucking asshole. She agreed that I seemed to have uncharacteristically strong negative self talk, especially after she got me to read a list of negative self beliefs and I disagreed with most of them, but the ones that resonated I told her I didn’t believe (I don’t, I know my worth), which she seemed to find interesting.
I mentioned my previous therapists plan to do EMDR, and she said that was one of the therapies she was considering.
That session lasted 2.25 hours. It was easy to talk to her, after my hostility chilled the fuck out. I think we might be able to get somewhere.

Oohh, is this hope I feel. Welcome back old friend.