irrational in Each Day

Many years ago, 2012 I think, I had an encounter in a gravel pit with a growling Rottweiler. I screamed bloody murder for help as it advanced on me. I was barefoot, with floppy summer shoes in hand as my only weapon. For some reason once I was safe the overwhelming feeling was of humiliation.

Last night I woke up screaming to one of the loudest cracks of thunder I have ever heard. I am notoriously dramatic when woken up abruptly (it used to make M furious), usually sitting bolt upright with a throat rasping gasp. Last night I screamed, and just kept screaming. I didn’t know why, but I was terrified. M called to me from his room, he was high as fuck and on prescription sedatives (still, shingles are awful, get vaccinated), he told me later that he had no idea that I’d screamed, but he’d woken up concerned for me, and called out. He asked if I was ok, I said, “I will be”.
The thunder continued, and the terror remained.
I am not afraid of thunder. I love the rain, I love thunderstorms, I love the ambiance of lightening.
This was not that.
The walls were shaking with each crack. I laid there, paralyzed. I wanted to go to the big bed, where M’s been sleeping since he returned from Ontario. But I couldn’t bring myself to get out of the safety of my bed, under the covers, to join M in the safety of his bed. Eventually I texted Bird Guy, cause he’s always up late on the weekends, and he tried to reassure me but settled on distracting me. I also had the duty phone, so I was getting meteorological updates from the military, which gave me some perspective on what was going on (thundershowers and lightening strikes within 10nm), and when it was expected to end. But even with the last update around 0240 calling off the warnings, watches and advisories, I found no relief.
I laid there in bed until I finally managed to sleep around 0330.

Today the overwhelming feeling has been anxiety and overly emotional. But also rage. I’m so sick of this brain of mine not accepting logic, reality, not dismissing the fiction I’ve created.

In fact, I had this conversation with Bird Guy on Saturday:

E: These new meds make me sleepy
BG: But the rest is good?
E: The rest? Of the effect? No. Pretty much nil now… I’m giving it two more weeks. That’s two full months. Then I give up.
BG: I thought you liked these ones?
E: I did, until I got my period. I was really hoping I’d get at least 2 weeks of good out of them, but I haven’t gotten back there.
BG: Maybe just an adjustment
E: I upped my dose a week or so ago. No change.
BG: Shame
E: I just had my period though so that’s why I’m giving it another 2 weeks.
BG: You don’t think more time and adjustments would be worth it
E: I’m already on 3mg of a max 4.
And I’m experiencing some pretty awful muscle fatigue and tiredness
And I’m supposed to do my force test in 5 weeks
BG: That’s not ideal
E: Yep. I’m so tired of feeling like this… I’m losing hope.
BG: That’s just your brain playing sabotage. You’ll figure it out
E: My brain loves sabotage…
BG: I am aware
E: I used to think I was going to die young. I’m realizing that was my shit brain being shit quietly and subtly. It’s just louder and more overt these days.
BG: I totally understand
E: I’m sorry you do.
BG: Right back atcha

I’m sure there are more factors involved, but damn the intrusive thoughts have been strong lately. I am losing hope. M has talked about not being able to live with the symptoms he’s dealt with, if they never go away, and I think he’s being hyperbolic. But I think how I don’t want to live with this shit in my head for another… what… 40 years? 40 more years of this? Fuck that. My external life is wonderful. My internal life is hell. And I feel like eventually reminding internal me how good we have it is only going to work for so long.
I’ve got time, right now. I’m trying to fix me. I just feel like the people I’m asking for help aren’t taking this seriously enough.

Today isn’t a good day to judge my sanity. Father’s Day sucks for the fatherless, and I had the shitty realization today that not only are we coming up on 20 years without Dad (October 2024), but shortly after that, I will have existed on this earth longer without him than with him, and that shatters me.

Anyway. Here’s to another day ending.