Looking into my future in My life

I should write something. I’m too lazy or busy to write (at this point, the line isn’t clear), but I have this kind of aspirational thought about being able to travel back in time and see what my past self was up to. I really like this set-up on Prosebox where you get reminders of entries you uploaded on the same day, years before. It’s an amazing way to get to know a PBer here without having to spend all day scrolling through their entries.

I need to hype myself up. I’ve recently learned that the Board of Law Examiners (BLE) contacted all my former work supervisors to make them fill out a questionaire about me. I don’t know if that includes the supervisor for my very first job at the college cafeteria like 9 years ago, but it might. Overall, I feel like I’ve always had a good work relationship with my supervisors. With the exception of one. This one independent contractor/case brief write job I had for a short time. The CEO (very small company) was happy with my work output. So I left the job because my first year summer ended, but the CEO said I could come back any time. So at one point I reached out about coming back, but while we were discussing, a family matter came up and I was no longer available to work… and somehow I was too embarrassed to send an email just saying, hey, I’m so sorry but I am no longer available to work. I kept procrastinating and I became non-responsive. Then I wanted to send an apology email but I have been procrastinated on that ever since (Dec. 2022).

I have email anxiety… So yeah, the only bad work record I could think of. The thing is, I’m fine with emails handling regular work responsibilities. I’m good with it, even. It’s the awkward emails that I hate. Somehow.

It sounds like such a trivial email to send looking back. and yet somehow, even if I get a chance to do that again, I probably won’t.

In other news, I received an unexpected email saying that they are increasing salary for all judicial clerks, effective next month. For the record, I’m currently studying for my bar exam and working part-time as a judicial clerk, to transition into full-time after the bar. This is my first job out of law school and it is usually seen as an okay starting point for early-career attorneys. Usually it’s a one-year gig so you gain experience even though you’re not really an attorney. For years the salary has been 57-59K no matter how much experience you have. Because it’s meant to be a one-year stint only. Some people stay and become a permanent judicial clerk (career clerk) despite the low pay since it suits them better. Now the range is 65K-78K. They want to retain more experienced clerks.

Now that got me tempted. The only reason why I would go out and use my law degree is because of the money. If I get paid an okay middle-class salary without having to be a lawyer, then I won’t be a lawyer. Simple as that, huh? If I want, I can supplement my income with a remote, part-time document review job or something. Or work the weekend at a coffee shop for a little change of air. I have told my husband that I want to work weekends at a coffee shop so I can warn people against going to law school. It’s an awful place. Plus, I have a JD and look where I’m working!!

I don’t need to pay off any debt because I went to law school for free (and even then, I don’t think it’s worth it at all) but if I work this job for 10 years any law school debts would be canceled anyway so it all amounts to all the same. No difference. So nothing to complaint, I guess. It’s just, oh, one more thing that made law school “worth it” in some sense is gone.

Anyway, I have to begrudgingly admit that I’m in a very, very comfortable place right now: a nice townhouse in the suburb; loving, doting, easy-going husband who makes twice my salary and goes to the gym 4x a week, whose long-term values really mesh with mine (I need a whole entry to talk about how great he is); comfortable, public-service job that I’m interested in with a great prospect for working from home, which pays an okay middle-class salary, good routines (we cook and clean every day, and like going to parks and playing boardgames), okay health. Actually, I’m in a GREAT place. Sure, maybe I don’t have a house, but I’ve never dreamed of being richer than I am right now. I’m very content.

What does a person do when they are content? Start investing in the next generations, I guess. Have children. Raise them. Donate to charity. Do volunteer work. I don’t want to make something like “traveling” the point of my life. I already grew up in one side of the world and spent my 20s in another. All that money could be used for some good.

Things I need in life: - Just enough material wealth to be comfortable; - A sense of, like, being above-average accomplished; - Some ways to give back to the world; - Companionship, which is currently almost 100% fulfilled by my husband.

Pros of current job:
1) Okay pay;
2) Almost infinite ability to work from home; the commute is also fantastic;
3) Very nice people at work;
4) Nice boss who doesn’t intrude too much into my personal life;
5) Almost zero admin work, which I don’t see in some other district courts;
6) Cool mission of “rendering justice” and such even though I’m just a minion under a judge;
7) No need to be an actual lawyer, which means I only need to meet one set of deadline– my judge’s, and no others, so I have almost infinite flexibility with my time; no client management either; no need to figure out “what type of law I wanna practice”; no dealing with a bunch of colleagues whose work affect mine– I didn’t like the people I went to law school with so why would I like working with them?; nothing beside plain legal research and writing; which brings be to
8) Doing nothing but legal research and writing, which lawyers think is the best part of their job I guess; also it’s so peaceful and quiet to be doing just this– none of those chaos and drama that come with client management;
9) I don’t need to fret about “outcomes” as real lawyers do because we are the court, WE ARE THE OUTCOME! (of course, I fret about being fair, whereas when I was interning for the prosecutor’s office, I just tried to make the best arguments for one side)

Cons of my job:
1) No sense of “progress” in my career, which I’m not even sure if I need since I don’t fancy being a lawyer very much– but I just want a rather vacant sense of “progress.” Like, I could progress in anything as long as I’m progressing.
2) If I never get experience as a practicing attorney, I cannot practice pro bono as an attorney either. I guess I can volunteer to do what I can but I won’t be good. Also, since I work for the court, I shouldn’t be outright representing one party. It’s a conflict of interest. One thing that got me through law school was that at least I would be able to provide some very valuable services to community members in need. Now I won’t be able to do that as much.

The list of cons is short but 1) on the Cons list is just so huge to me. This is a great job for being a mom, I think. I don’t know if I should pursue a career over family. I didn’t aggressively pursue a career in my 20s and I cannot delay having a family anymore. On the one hand, my mom was very career-driven and didn’t have much time for me, and I felt the effects of that. My grandmother was emotionally abusive to me and there was nothing my mom would do because she needed someone to (physically) take care of us while she worked. I don’t want that to happen to my own kids. On the other hand, if I don’t pursue my own career ambitions, will I resent my kids as they grow up because of all the opportunities they will have? Will I impose my dreams upon them? I don’t want that, either. My vision is that my kids will be their own persons. I will raise them and educate them, but they are not “mine.” They are free to give me back anything from the true desire of their hearts, but they won’t be obligated to.

Last updated June 27, 2023