Saturday. in Since OD is shutting down....

Currently waiting for my daughter to wake up because I’m trying to take her to my brother’s house so I can get groceries. I like going by myself because it’s faster and cheaper. The one day I want her to get up early and she’s sleeping in. I l cleaned out the fridge yesterday so we’re ready to fill her back up. My back is feeling a bit better today but still achy. I fought to go to sleep last night because it hurt so bad. I took ibuprofen but that provided absolutely no relief whatsoever.

I really want to get the grocery run over with. It’s going to be super crowded so I can already feel myself being annoyed as soon as I get there. I also need to see if my glasses came in because I should have gotten a call like 4 days ago and never heard anything.

The grocery run went pretty good. It was pretty busy and I struggled to find a place to park. I also bought a slow cooker. I had one before and threw it away because it quit heating but I got a brand new one for about $10. My daughter is bugging to hang out with her cousin but they are busy so I’m hoping they can hang out later tonight.

It’s gonna be so nice once she’s in her Summer program because it’s really difficult trying to keep her busy all the time. I remember as a kid, my parents didn’t even try to keep us entertained and never took us anywhere. Sometimes I feel like I put in too much effort. Even people on Tik Tok say let them get bored. I’m just so glad that the boredom is going to come to an end. She’s going to a movie tomorrow with her big sister and then it’s going to be early bedtime. I’m grateful that I won’t have to try and line up stuff for her to do everyday and go broke entertaining her. I do nothing but cook and clean all day long and the house is still pretty messy before bedtime.

I just feel pretty drained today. It’s cold, dark, and rainy which is a nice break from the heat. They are constantly talking about us having a drought but I really don’t think that’s going to be a problem.

Been thinking about the modification. I wonder if he’ll just disregard the letter like he usually does or throw a curveball by trying to get parenting time. If he spends most of his time living 3 hours away, it won’t lower the CS though. I am all for a court order though. I would still be winning because then he would see his kid and it would be a scheduled thing, which might actually benefit me. I don’t think he understands exactly how this works and no matter what, all of this is going to be more in my favor than what he’s going to be comfortable with.

I personally believe that he’s probably working there during the week and then telling the gf he’s going to be here on weekends to spend time with his kid but he’s actually sleeping around and going out. I just know that I could ask every weekend and he’d telling me that he’s working which is what he’s already done. It’s just not beneficial to my daughter or myself trying to maintain any level of contact and that’s why I’ve decided to block him yet again. I can only handle so many lies and him trying to provoke me before I react and this time, I decided to block him before letting him get the rise of me that he craves so he can turn around and say that I have anger issues. It’s really bullshit for someone to cause your anger and then say you have a bad temper. That’s manipulation at its finest.

After 7 years, I’ve learned how to play the game. I accept that it’s a game that I just can’t win and that’s why I don’t play. The only real power I have in this is by not letting him control my mind. You either control your mind or someone else will. After my daughter telling me that she’s pretty sure he hates me, I realize that it’s not healthy for her to be hanging around with him because he doesn’t care how talking bad about me makes her feel. He doesn’t like me because I’m not suffering the way he expected me to and because I do what I can to hold him accountable. I also never let him move in and mooch off me like he wanted either.

Sometimes it’s still a really hard pill to swallow that I created a baby with someone like this. It makes me sick to think about the millions of women that have had babies with the same exact type of guy and how many of them are still feeling low about themselves and letting these men get in their heads and make them feel worthless. I allowed it longer than I’d like to admit and I thank God everyday that I have him figured out and grateful that I did let him go. I want more than what he would ever be capable of giving me or my child.

I think about all the hell he put me through and wondered for years if I was ever going to give up the idea of being a family or if I was ever going to stop wanting him. It took years of being angry, crying myself to sleep, feeling unworthy and I finally realized that I’m worth so much more than someone that would make me feel like he has. I’ve never had a man tear me down like he has and we were never even in a relationship. I will forever be changed because of him. I used to believe that I was too broken to ever deserve real love until I noticed my worth. I’m a good person. I have a heart of gold, I love other people. I am capable of raising kids and animals. I have a great sense of humor. I deserve a real man that’s capable of loving me the right way, that’s honest, that takes care of his business and doesn’t want to live just for himself or cares about constantly lying to everyone.

I think about the CS modification and it’s not my intent to make his life harder and I’m not out to hurt him or make his life hell but I think about how hard it’s been for me to not receive any type of help from him for years at a time and the fact that he’s never even been there for me emotionally. It’s not like I’ve ever been able to call him and talk about how I’ve had a stressful day with his daughter and I just need a damn break. He’s called me a bad Mom, he’s told me that he’s wanted to have me tested to see if I can even take care of her, he’s told me that I’m autistic on top of me being fat, gross…I mean you name it and he’s said it. Whatever would cut the deepest.

The way you treat other people is actually how you feel about yourself. He must feel pretty low to have treated me the way he has. I remember him threatening to cut my head off and bury me when I was carrying his child. I remember working like a dog the whole time I was pregnant as he moved away and had a girlfriend. I came home to an empty house every night. I’d cry all day long and go to work. I bought all the baby stuff by myself. I remember buying baby clothes, washing them and hanging everything up by myself. He just didn’t care. I didn’t get to have a pregnancy where the Dad rubbed my feet and was there for me. It was quite the opposite and I had to go to work and put a smile on my face everyday and pretend that everything was okay when I absolutely wrecked inside.

I have carried around a lot of shame that I allowed someone to get me pregnant and then treat me like he did. I truly felt that everything was my fault. I went to almost every single prenatal appointment by myself. I picked out her name by myself. All he did every day was message my friend to say the most horrible things he could think of about me. Never asked about me or the baby. I won’t be embarrassed anymore. He should be the one carrying around embarrassment for how he’s treated me and my daughter from day 1. I truly believe that he’s a monster and that opinion will never change. I hate the way I feel about him. I sometimes get really emotional because I think really terrible things about him.

I had a kid with the wrong person but without him, I wouldn’t have the child I always dreamed of. I wouldn’t change her so therefore I wouldn’t change him. I don’t hate him but I do hate the person that he is. I can’t change him but I can definitely keep a pretty positive attitude about everything. I worried a lot back when but now I’ve learned to roll with the punches and know that everything will work out. I’ve had a good couple of days. I’m so glad to have gotten my back procedure over with and now my daughter will get to go have fun with her friends starting Monday and all I have to do is get through the modification and see what happens with that.

I plan to call CS next week and see if they possibly have a new wage verification because I’d just like to know if I’m possibly going to see money in the near future. I have no doubt that the amount is going to increase, but if he’s working under the table then I still won’t see anything but I’m sure things with this girl won’t last and hopefully he’ll come back and get a fucking job. It never works out for long with any of these women because they start to figure his shit out and get fed up and by the time they do, he’s found another supply. I just want to get CS so I can start getting myself going.

I remember spending lots of time wondering why I wasn’t good enough for him and realizing no one is. The guy is very selfish and doesn’t care who he’s hurting. You could have millions of dollars, be a super model and completely take care of him and he’s still going to be out sleeping with whoever will pay attention to him. He’s a very needy person with a super low self esteem that doesn’t know how else to be. There’s no changing him. All he does is look out for himself and wants to protect his freedom at all costs, even if it means hurting other people. I remember when he was with that girl after I had my daughter and she was telling me how I can have him and it’s like girl, he’s at the bar. He’d rather be at the bar even though he has a newborn baby what does that tell you? He’s no more interested in being a Daddy then he is being with you!

This shit used to just fucking rock me. I didn’t think I was ever gonna get passed it but I have. I know how he’s made me feel and I’ll never forget. My daughter and I have never meant a fucking thing to him. If my daughter isn’t enough for him to change, nothing is. I remember how he’d come over to see her and say the most hurtful things to me and with no provocation and then walk out the door without even giving her a passing glance. He just doesn’t care.