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May 31, 2023, 10:32 p.m.
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I mean…
Crafting some bullets because I have no brainpower left after these days lately.
Went on a 2nd date with Parker last weekend. He's actually a pretty lovely dude. In fact, he's hot as hell and has a ton of plans up his sleeve. Truly a catch. Unfortunately, I am in a dismal place right now and could only express pretty dismal thoughts at the time. So after we parted ways, he sent me a text saying we're not in the same place. I agreed. I mean, how could I *not* agree? So, bye-bye.
I have been drinking.
Last Thursday I needed a drink after work, so I planted myself down close to the end of a bar where there were some nice dudes and I was in the mood to talk after a couple glasses of wine. I told them how much I'm stressed about my job and how desperate I am to move on and asked if they knew of any places where I might have an opportunity. Turns out that one of the dudes was actually a venture capitalist and knows people. As in *knows people*. As in, KNOWS MY BOSS.
So then I sent myself into a tailspin thinking that word was going to get back.
Turns out, he's a cool dude and now we're friends! Though he has a girlfriend on the West Coast, he is super friendly and invited me to hang with him and his buddies all Memorial Day Weekend long! All above board, and hopefully, this will lead to more introductions to newness - be it work opportunities or just interesting friends!
Still, I kinda need to keep my mouth shut until I'm sure I'm in the clear with people, ya know? That's some risky shit!
I have been in such a state during these last few weeks that it has damn near ruined all of my downtime. When I'm not in the office in a state of panic, I'm outside the office worrying about being in the office. Something's got to give.
Today was a weird day, not so much different than the rest of my workdays of late, but today there were so many attempts at gaslighting that I started tallying the number. So many times I was told something that was the complete opposite of what I was told a day or two ago.
I've just decided to keep tallying the number and just keep doing what I'm told until I'm out. I can look back and count the numbers, or even better... never, ever, EVER look back.
GS
Last updated May 31, 2023
Complicated Disaster ⋅ June 01, 2023
It wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing if the news got back to your boss that she was being a bit shit! Stay strong! *hugs* xx
pandora ⋅ June 01, 2023
You sound pretty off - I'm really sorry that you're going through this. It's not worth the risk to your health. The stress, the alcohol... you just beat cancer! And that's not even your mental health, which is probably also in jeopardy. I really hope you can get out soon. It really doesn't seem worth it - at all.
CharminglyNeurotic ⋅ June 01, 2023
Look, you cannot risk your health. Drinking isn't going to help your health at all and will possibly also make your mood worse. You don't need depression or physical issues on top of the strife of having a bad job. At this point is it possible to simply get fired so you can collect unemployment and have a bit of a cushion while you job search? Perhaps try to start your own company and/or freelance? The bottom line is you need to get out of that job asap. I know it sucks, but hanging on isn't going to help anyone. Also, sounds like you need a rest. (I know you had one during a long unemployment stint, but this is different.)
Ginger Snap CharminglyNeurotic ⋅ June 01, 2023
Unfortunately, because I was unemployed most of last year, I am not eligible for unemployment yet. I think I'd honestly have to work another six months or so before I could start collecting. If I can find a way to make that work, then I'll consider it, but if there's even a hint of my health declining at my next 3-month cancer check-up, then that is my sign.
CharminglyNeurotic Ginger Snap ⋅ June 02, 2023
I have another idea: Maybe your boss wouldn't want to lose you. Could you tell her honesty this is untenable and not good for your health. You want out but do not want to leave her in a lurch. As such, you are willing to work for her, from home, as a 1099 consultant. This way you are free to try to start your own business with her as your first client and/or interview liberally. You charge her a high retainer equal to what you are making and take it from there. She probably won't want to lose you with just a few day's notice and would also need to take time to interview if she was going to rehire. It would be in her best interest to allow you a few months of transition as a 1099. You could also take a month or two to train the new person if you hadn't found anything permanent by then.
Ginger Snap CharminglyNeurotic ⋅ June 03, 2023
I do love your ideas, thank you!! Unfortunately, I can’t work from home. I had to move here to be on site in order to do this job. I’m trying to think of solutions too, but it just gets more dismal daily.
ninakir88 ⋅ June 01, 2023
you beat cancer.. there is no reason to have a shit job ruining your mental and physical state. its a job, they dont care about you. can you do the "silent" quit thing? or whatever the younger people are calling it lol
Ginger Snap ninakir88 ⋅ June 01, 2023
No way to do "silent" quitting here as I'm sitting smack in the middle of an open office and my boss/CEO sits right next to me most of the time! But I'm working on it! I'm going to get out of this and it's going to be suuuuuch a great thing when it happens!!
bobbi01 ⋅ June 01, 2023
No job is worth this misery. No one is going to judge you if you retreat.
Florentine ⋅ June 01, 2023
It really sucks when your job makes you feel like a shell of your former self. Joining the masses when I say it's time to plan the exit strategy, but I also know that's easier said than done so in the interim, be gentle with yourself. ❤️
Deleted user ⋅ June 01, 2023
I really hate that you spent so long looking for work, found what you thought was a great job, moved to another state entirely for it, and now it's doing a number on you. It's enraging, and it's also frightening. I second the others who said you need to get out of there. Easier said than done, after all you've been through, and yes, I'm a fine one to talk after I just wrote about job-related trauma yesterday and I'm still in my corner of hell. But the drinking isn't a good sign, and I don't want it to cock up your health, especially your gut. Please put your wellness first, and I will, too, deal?
echopod ⋅ June 01, 2023
I’m so sorry! Ugh, that’s the worst. I’ve been in a dark place over my previous job for YEARS, with crying and drinking and starving myself and working out until it was dangerous. You just kind of use the tools you have to deal. No need to feel bad about those too.
The right job is out for you in your new city. Having no fvcks left to give at your job now would be a great place to get to and still collect a paycheck. If I could successfully disengage like that I would have been so much happier but I just never could get in that place myself, so have no advice. Thinking of you! Sending some new job magic your way.
Ginger Snap echopod ⋅ June 04, 2023
Thank you. I appreciate your words. I so wish I could give no fucks, and I'm working on that. It just sucks to have the source of the stress literally (and I mean literally) sitting next to me and breathing down my neck. It's only a matter of time, but I'm working on it. And thank you for the magic. I know you don't write anymore, but I do follow you on IG, and it seems like you are in a good, good place right now. Sending magic back. xo
echopod Ginger Snap ⋅ June 08, 2023
I wish I did write, it was great chronicling my life to look back on and I love reading here.
And yes! The painting thing seems to be working out. I have shows lined up! It’s amazing to me that it’s working out like it has been, along with contract work.
sudare ⋅ June 04, 2023
Take a lot care of your lovely self.
Serin ⋅ June 10, 2023
As best your circumstances permit, defend your self, not your resume. Gaps can be explained and in this market aren't unusual.
Wish work wasn't the whistling suck it seems to be.
Ginger Snap Serin ⋅ June 11, 2023
Thank you. Me too. I know it's up to me to defend and protect myself.