So this morning went well. My daughter talked to her Dad and he’s going to pick her up after school. My parents came and we took her to school and I got my ablations done. The Dr was running late which made me more anxious because I just like getting it over with because it’s painful but it wasn’t as bad as last time. I’m feeling pretty good and have no pain right now. The next round is where they will burn the nerves off completely. I’m so glad to be back home and done with it for now.
I’m still thinking about CS and the modification. I have really conflicting emotions because I don’t want to make life harder for him and I know he battles with depression. I worry about him using it as an excuse to start being mean again or to quit seeing her but all this could happen regardless. We’ve had plenty of times where things start out fine and then once he realizes things aren’t gonna go his way then everything falls apart.
With him never helping with her physically and not paying child support, I’ve had a lot of setbacks and I’ve missed out on jobs, dr appointments, and having a life outside of being a Mom. I have had days where I struggle to get out of bed and drag ass all day because I’m in my feelings just trying to get through. His actions have affected both my daughter and I so much that it’s hard to even talk about anymore.
It’s upsetting that he gets to live in a world of make believe while my daughter and I get to live in reality everyday. He’s always chosen video games, the bar, and women over her and that’s something that’s always going to stick with me. Even now he claims to have 2 jobs because he wants to make sure to always have an out. I don’t get to plan a life whatsoever and he gets to have all the freedom in the world. He has all the choices while we have none.
I think he’s so far out of touch with reality that it’s scary. He asked me the other day if my Mom helps with her and I told him we aren’t going to talk about that while she’s sitting right there with us and it’s like no one has any obligation to our child but us. He’s always been like that too where he feels everyone else should be responsible for her except himself. Just because he’s always put her on a shelf doesn’t mean I do that! It’s like he thinks seeing her a couple of times a year is enough and the rest of the time I just pawn her off on everyone else and do my own thing as well. It doesn’t work like that when you are a parent! You don’t get to check in and out. Even when she’s with other people or at school, I am still responsible for her!
Yeah he’s hung out with her recently but there’s no guarantee that it’ll continue. I don’t know what I’m going to tell her if it falls off this time. She does understand that if she sees him, she sees him and if she don’t, she don’t but I know she’s still going to be upset. All I know is I just want to look as good as I can and make sure that if things fall off this time, that it’s on him and make it way harder for him to blame me.
I think about if I were to start getting CS and it gets increased, I’ll be able to afford a sitter and at least work through the Summer. I am just so fucking ready to start living again. His absence and lack of providing financially has really made things difficult and it just kills me. I don’t think it’s fair that he gets to live for free and everything is optional for him. A lot of his problem is he’s been enabled to be the way he is. I know that he’s got serious issues with drinking and that’s had quite the impact on the way he’s treated me and why he’s been absent as well.
My biggest thing now is I just want to be civil and give him plenty of room to be a Dad so that when it does all fall apart, everyone can see that it’s not me. I’ve spent enough being angry and trying to hold him accountable in my own way by calling him out on his lies, making others aware of his lies and just staying away from him in hopes that he’ll have an epiphany and change his ways enough for his child but now I realize I need to go about it differently. I know deep down I hope that he keeps his job and just makes his presence known with our daughter and starts to grow up. He’s spent enough time at the bottom of a bottle and just wasting his life away that I would really like to see him climb out of it.
I’ve always said that I feel sorry for him in a way that I can’t explain and I think it’s because he’s just so far out of touch with reality. I really do want him to be happy and become a good person for my daughter. I want HER to be proud of him. I’d like for us to be in a good place and stay there. It would be great if at some point we could have him over for dinner or do family stuff. Maybe we’ll get there one day.