Who Woulda Thought in Hello

I’d be craving getting high more thank getting drunk. It was real bad earlier. For those who aren’t addicts, when a craving hits all your emotions hit at once. This time I was angry. I wanted to punch things and scream. Brain kept telling me it’s not fair.

What’s not fair is I spent years putting my body through mind altering substances that has left me a shell. In that shell I need to fill it with intoxicants to even feel human. Now that I can’t use said intoxicants my mind is rebelling, screaming at me. Begging for the sustenance to silence my demons. But I persevere.

It makes quitting easier to know that if I screw this up I face serious consequences. Just the addict in me doesn’t like it.

Not. One. Bit.

So there I sit, annoyed, angry, sad, everything, white knuckling it because the alternative has a worse outcome than for a brief feeling of release.

I’ve been eating a lot more and now am up to a pack of smokes a day. Don’t get me started on my candy intake. Lots of alcoholics switch to sweets early in sobriety cause alcohol is essentially sugar. I need to start exercising again. I didn’t lose weight but slept better and FELT better. Plus I had more stamina. I was up to a two to three mile walk, thirty sit ups, thirty pushups and a few minutes of jump rope a day. Just the thought of doing that now leaves me winded. Heh…

Excerpt from Robogenesis by Daniel H. Wilson (It’s gotten a lot better the further I get into it.)

“In the NYC Underground, we used to congratulate newcomers on being survivors. We thought that the will to survive at all costs was honorable. Now I see the ugly side of it. The will to live doesn’t stop when it should. It pushes us past the point when we should just die. Forces us to keep going like broken machines.”

I think that’s a great analogy for an active addiction. You know you’re killing yourself but you press on to a new day…

Last updated May 14, 2023