Good Day. in Since OD is shutting down....

So my daughter went with her big and judging from the pictures, they had a really good time! I am so glad this girl makes effort with my daughter because it’s very much appreciated! My daughter was only home about an hour and then my brother came and got her. She got to play with her cousin for a couple more hours and then we got some food. I’m getting low on money and seriously hoping I’m going to see some CS pretty soon. I know there’s a good chance that I won’t but my God, it’s been 2 fucking years so at this point it would really be a help!

I decided to tell my daughter that it was her Dad’s birthday and showed her the card that he left. She asked if we could call him and we tried but it just won’t connect over Facebook messenger and I don’t have a good phone number for him. I don’t even know if he would give up a phone number if he has one because we like to stay under the radar. I’m trying really hard to not stay stuck on anything and move forward in a positive way for my daughter though. I can’t stay pissed off forever, nor do I want to.

Not sure if we’ll hear back from him or not but if we do, I plan to stay civil until he becomes abusive and disrespectful and then I hit the block button. I’m going to teach this guy that he’s going to treat me with respect. I allowed him to treat me with as little respect long enough so now we are going to head off to a very positive direction or nothing at all. I’m sure we won’t hear from him because he’s slept all day and then made plans for tonight. I also know that if he would have seen her today it would have been just for the sake of getting pictures and then if I would have asked for him to see her or take her in the next few days, well by then the nostalgia has done wore off and then we’re back to bullshit again.

I made sure to tell my daughter if you see him, you see him and if you don’t then that’s okay too. Life goes on. I realize that I can’t change him or his intentions but I can make her aware that this is just how it is and to not expect much. She asked if he could come spend the night and pressed for an actual answer and I said because he’s mean to me and I don’t want her to hear things that aren’t appropriate. I’m really big on not creating a false reality for my child and it starts now. Well, it actually started a couple of years ago but the older she gets, the more honesty she’s wanting.

I spent way too long trying to hold everyone in a certain regard for my child and I absolutely exhausted myself doing that and I now realize that my daughter missed out on at least some time with people because I wanted more for her. Maybe if she sees them at some sometimes, it’s better than nothing at all especially with an explanation. I think I spent so much time trying to make everyone love and care about her as much as I do that I just couldn’t allow myself to see everything for what it actually was but now, my kid is older and definitely sees everything for what it is and as much as it sucks, it’s better than me trying to create a false reality for her and exhausting myself trying to hold everything to a higher regard than what they are capable of.

All I know is I won’t take his abuse any longer and once that starts up again, I will have no choice but to cut off contact. It’s ridiculous that he left to be a single Mom and figure everything out AND gets to talk to me however he wants! I allowed it because I seriously thought he would get bored with it and quit doing it but hasn’t yet and we’re how many years in!

I have spent some time realizing my mistakes and how I’ve been toxic in all of this and I plan to do what I can to make it right, even if he doesn’t. It’s time to let it go and when I say let it go, I mean let it all go. The anger, hurt, all of it because one of us needs to start to grow and I know it’s definitely not going to be him. I want to be as positive, reasonable and as decent as I can be and then when he’s making me out to be the problem, people are going to be able to see that it’s definitely not me. I don’t want to be toxic in this anymore no matter how much he deserves it because that makes me no better than him.

It’s like me telling that girl that he’s a bum, all he does is lie and sending screenshots of our conversations along with how much he owes in CS. Why? Would I want him doing it to me? No! I want him to move on! Maybe he’ll find someone to stick around that would encourage him to get and keep a job and maybe even be a fucking Dad! Why the hell did I feel the need to try and sabotage a relationship for him? I know I get a lot of hurt in me but it’s time to let go. I know the guy deserves every rotten thing that comes his way but it’s not my job to try and make that happen either because that is going to end up my karma.

I also understand why his brother was completely against me having anything more to do with him and I think it’s simply because he knows it’s gonna go bad and then he’ll have to hear about it! I have done nothing but sit and talk about how much of a fucking loser he is and I can understand how that would be draining and overall annoying as fuck. I am truly sorry for it and if things go bad this time, I don’t plan to do that anymore. People have their own lives filled with their own problems so it’s time to just handle my own shit and quit being a drain on other people’s energy. I know that I personally have spent plenty of time listening to other people bitching about their shit baby daddy’s and I would seriously just stop answering the phone and yet, my friends have listening to me for YEARS!!

If I do hear from him, I plan to engage as long as he’s civil but as soon as he becomes abusive, starts blaming me for not being a Dad or the conversation turns down a dead end, I will just stop responding. I need to teach him to respect me, just like I taught him that I would tolerate his abuse. As of right now, I haven’t heard from him and there’s a chance I won’t because his birthday is now over and I honestly would rather not until I know if I’m going to start getting CS because it’s been 2 fucking years! I’d also like to know how he had money to take her to do things today as well.

I just wish that I would have gone about all of this differently from the start and I also wish I would have never had my friend get involved from the start. DO NOT EVER HAVE OTHER PEOPLE GET INVOVLED! I can honestly say that made everything a million times worse and I will NEVER do that shit again!

One of the things I’ve thought about is no one is going to love or care about my child like I do and my expectations have been way too fucking high all along. I wish I could go back but at the same time I don’t because he thought by me allowing the in and out also meant it was okay for me to allow the abuse as well and that’s why he’s spent more time on my blocked list than anything else.

My daughter is old enough now where she’s starting to see these people for what they actually are and that’s a really good thing because as much as it sucks, it is reality and she’s going to deal with a lot of this same shit throughout her lifetime. People are going to be in and out. I wish I could protect her from this and I feel that I have but now, as much as I want to keep trying to protect her, it’s going to come back on me that I’ve kept her from experiencing reality.

It’s like when that girl messaged me. I wish I would have said, “Ya know, we don’t have any regular contact with him. I think he’s been busy working on himself and he’ll be a Dad when he’s able” because then it’s holding him in the regard that he’s absent but it’s not coming from a bitter or angry place. I honestly think the next time this is exactly what I’m going to say and if they message back, I just won’t say any more or even block them. I think it would be good to speak my peace and then just let it go at that. Not be bitter or hateful, just say what I need to and then be done.

I was too deep in my feelings with all of this for far too long and I don’t want to spend my life being angry. I want to let it go so I can lead a very peaceful, happy life. This guy gave me the greatest gift and I want to enjoy my child and just live my life, happy and free. I gave him too much time in my head and laid awake at night feeling angry and guilty that this is her Dad but without him, I wouldn’t have her.

Anything is possible, even this situation to change. I need to change my mindset and the way I look at it and even if he never steps up as a Dad or even pays some CS, I’m going to rid myself of the anger and hurt that I’ve carried around for way too long. I deserve peace and I need to let myself have it. Whether we ever reach a good place or not, that needs to be on him and I need to just let things flow and make sure that when he’s trying to trigger me that he doesn’t get the reaction he desperately craves because then he’s winning. I want to be the best person I can be in this and people are going to see that and eventually realize who the fucking problem is.

I have to take a step back and realize that no matter how decent and reasonable I try to be he’s always going to paint an ugly picture of me and live by whatever narrative he wants to justify his own behavior and I need to be okay with that because there’s no changing it. I think if at some point we start talking and he’s still all about his lies and excuses, I’m just going to say ‘okay’ and keep on going. Not get angry, not even block him. Just let him be the parent he’s going to be. I just hope he’ll start to become aware of himself as the problem and that he’s chosen to keep himself away.