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Krud

Making A Hash Of Things in I Can't Believe It's Not Twitter™... Spray!

Aug. 8, 2014, 4:12 a.m.
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There's no I in "team," but there is a "patio" in "participation," so I'm gonna go sit out on that.

When life hands you lemons, make lemon pepper braised tilapia with brown rice and steamed summer squash.

Obi-Wan: "You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy."

Luke: "Only a Sith deals in absolutes."

Obi-Wan: "Oh, shut up."

Sometimes when I get a password wrong, I appreciate the sympathy and encouragement of "Sorry, try again."

I imagine living each day as if it's your last would get really stressful and monotonous after a while. Especially the constant farewells.

NBC: Novelty Begets Cancellation.

"So tell me, why should I hire you?" - "Because robots are still expensive, and trained monkeys will get you in trouble with PETA."

Printed on the side of McDonald's bag: "Hungry? ...Not For Long!"

Thanks for the warning.

It's frustrating when I discover that some of the million monkeys on a million smartphones already came up with the same joke I did. =P

I'm not saying my wife has trained ALL of the crudeness out of me, but... I just said "Excuse me," for burping while in the bathroom. =T

I remember learning as a teenager that a good conversationalist asks questions, whereas nowadays it just makes you look too lazy to Google.

How bad am I with names? I've driven past a nearby landscaping business about 500 times in the past year. Couldn't tell ya what it's called.

I'm worried that any day now all of us on Twitter are going to be sued by Jack Handey.

Ad: "Create an app for your business!" Me: "Please, don't. Your webpage is fine. Don't make me fill my smartphone further, I'm begging you."

I don't have time to follow my dreams, so instead I'll hire a private investigator to have my dreams followed. See what they're up to.

The message that love songs have sent for decades seems to be "You can say whatever creepy, obsessive thing you want if it has a good beat."

I imagine the hardest part of being a jeep wrangler is coaxing them into coming down off of cliffs and buttes.

My mental battery doesn't hold as much of a charge lately. Probably too much positive thinking.

I had a dream that I had come up with a hilarious tweet, but when I woke up, I couldn't remember it. And worse, I told people about a dream.

Yesterday I had to prove to my bank who I was to make a deposit. Hey, if people want to impersonate me to give me money? More power to them.

Hey Disney, Pixar, Warner, etc.: not every story is a "franchise." Not everything needs a sequel. Some things deserve to stand on their own.

The last time I got the larger half of a turkey's wishbone, I wished that people would stop ascribing mystical properties to animal parts.

You know you haven't had enough sleep when you find yourself wondering, "Did I just say 'Monchichi reboot' out loud?"

Seriously though, it's only a matter of time before there's a gritty reboot of The Monchichis.

Friendship IS magic. So no, I don't know whatever happened to the X-Files DVD's you lent me. gestures dramatically, vanishes in smoke

When it comes to promoting postal containment methods, I really push the envelope.

I wonder how I might have turned out if I'd grown up with an internet to show me just how many people were smarter or more creative than me.

Dear biological processes involved in hair production: my nose is good, thanks. No, really. You can stop.

Any time someone says "There are no wrong answers," I can't help but pity their lack of creativity.

I've got a fever, and the only prescription, is more non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs.

Chrome: "We've disabled all the extensions you downloaded that weren't from our store. For your own safety. Not passive aggressive at all."

My back is killing me. Which is stupid, because without me, it can't go anywhere. Clearly it hasn't thought this through.

I ignore sports year-round, but for some reason I feel extra uncultured when I ignore it during The World Cup.

Some say the secret to happiness is to live in the present moment. The only problem with that is sometimes the present moment just sucks.

I imagine Loki hates Thursdays.

Me: "Our machine is dispensing bottles of hot Pepsi." Customer Service: "Is it all of the flavors?" Me: "I don't know, I didn't buy all the flavors."

The worst part about having to reset my password is that I'll NEVER KNOW what password I wasn't remembering. #KnowingIsHalfTheBattle

I have mixed emotions when someone I know gets glasses. I'm glad they can see, but then again, now they know what I really look like. o_O

Things I'd feel uncomfortable seeing people carrying in Chili's: guns, baby pumas, giant fiberglass genitalia, barrels of acid, and kayaks.

I think there's room for a song from the perspective of a politician's spouse standing by the podium, called "When You're Lying Next To Me."

My grocery store says "Save Up To 30%!" But yesterday I saved 40%. Because I'm all about pushing the envelope. Or something.

When somebody says, "Hey, it happens to the best of us," I hear an implied "so it's bound to happen to the likes of you."

Marlon Brando's name is an anagram for "don normal bra." Coincidence?!

Windows Alert: We're questioning the settings you've been happy with for the past two years. Ignore this message for the hundredth time? Y/N

I need a time machine so I can run my song ideas past an easier-to-impress version of my wife from 20 years ago who can't predict my jokes.

Thank you, online fandoms, for forever warping my perception of the "Shipping" documents at work.

Just wanna give a shout-out to the late Sophie Ferdinand, who was also assassinated a hundred years ago but no one seems to give a crap.

-#RPG Last night, the GM said we got 125 gp of coins and jewelry, and we could decide its form. So I found a gold tiara that says "#1 Uncle."

I'm not well-versed in the Marvel comicverse, but I hope there's a version in which Ben Grimm has a talk show called "Here's The Thing."

Be careful, people. There are a lot of scams out there.

And I can help you avoid them, in my email correspondence course for $200 per week.

Would a Bostonian pirate say "Ahhhhh"?

If we ever do end up as a totalitarian police state, I hope a side effect of that will be people have to answer for horn honking decisions.

I may often say awkward things when posting online, but if you'd met me in real life, you'd see that being online has nothing to do with it.

The Weather Channel's website now has an option to connect to Facebook to "see which of your friends are at risk for severe weather." Fun!

Timeline Trivia: We are now further from the Apollo moon landing than we are from the Facebook-Oculus Hive-Mind Singularity.

I just got a Coke can that says, "Share a Coke Zero with a Legend."

"Here, Headless Horseman, have a-- oh, right, sorry!"

The edge of this yardstick is so warped, I can't even.

No two children are alike. So don't replace one with a random kid you found and expect their parents to pay you the usual babysitting rate.

Thirty years ago on this day in 1984, I was blissfully unaware that thirty years later I'd be making fairly mundane statements about myself.

Sometimes I will say something stupid just to provide others with a great opening. Because I'm subconsciously generous like that.

The name "boxer briefs" sounds too indecisive. Instead let's call them "junk drawers."

[Note: As it turns out, there is someone making boxer briefs under this very name.]

Thank you, Words With Friends, for betraying me in the office restroom with a loud video ad.

Me: "I'll try anything once." Lay's: "We now have capuccino-flavored potato chips." Me: "Touché."

I think "Sports Song" is enough evidence that Super Bowl XLIX's half-time should be performed by @alyankovic. I think it's time.

[Three days later, someone created a petition. Coincidence?! Maybe.]

Trivia: prolific composer Philip Glass often has Dennis Russell Davies conduct his work, since science has proven Glass is a poor conductor.

Special Hashtag Section:

[You might be aware of Twitter hashtag games. The hashtag basically establishes the premise, and your tweet follows from there. Some late-night show even has a game of it, and the best ones end up on the show, or at least that's my understanding. (I've never watched it, but I've seen the game on Twitter and have participated.) Anyway, I often try to subvert the intentions of the hashtags, but not always. The following is a mix of both.]

-#ReplaceFamousQuoteWithDude As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in bed into a monstrous dude.

-#RuinANurseryRhyme Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold. Peas porridge demonstrates the law of thermal equilibrium.

-#SomethingYouGetToldALot "You never know." (Which is false, since 'never' would imply an everlasting not-knowingness, even after the fact.)

-#YouWereCuteUntil life events resulted in you deviating measurably outside of the vague parameters of what I've subjectively deemed "cute."

As part of my "Seize The Day Reponsibly" initiative, I'm going to have to #throwbackThursday, as it's well below the legal minimum weight.

-#FakeWorldCupFacts Offering burnt sacrifices to the World Cup stopped being part of the opening ceremonies after the Death Eaters incident.

-#BoldPrediction As formatting becomes easier and more ubiquitous on devices, eventually bold will be abused just as much as quotation marks.

If you initially mistook the arrival of Hernán Cortés from Spain as the return of feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl, #YouAintFromDetroit

If you're "Inside The Actor's Studio" host James Lipton, #YouAintFromDetroit. Oh wait, yes you are. Never mind.

-#RejectedThemeParkRides Invaded Personal Space Mountain

I don't believe in #TipsForNewborns. They drool while I'm giving my order, they cry when I complain about the service, and they move slowly.

-#BadJeopardyCategories Historically Significant Flamewars

Noon task? O, we deliver reviled Ewoks at noon. #PalindromeThursday

-#SomethingIGetALot Molecules.

[I share this one not because I'm particularly proud of it, but because it ended up being one of my top eight most retweeted posts of the past seven years. Which just strikes me as frustrating and ridiculous.]

A History of Junk Drawers #RejectedCirqueDuSoleilThemes

-#OneThingAboutMe It was vastly inferior to both 98SE and XP, but still not as bad as Vista.

Aaand we're done. G'nite!

[Note: I've put dashes in front of the hashtags, because apparently without that, it makes the text really, really big, for reasons I don't yet understand but will look into later.]