Ave Maria in anticlimatic

  • May 3, 2023, 4:50 a.m.
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  • Public

I haven’t taken a day off in a month, or a vacation at all in many many years, and there’s no signs yet of slowing. I swore I’d never be one of those workaholic idiots, but here I am. Not because I want more money so badly, I just don’t want to let the people giving me all this work down. Part of me resents them for it. There, I said it.

It took me three weeks to finally call a customer back and leave a message. Friends and family are on similar ground, and I feel guilty about that. Every second I’m not working I’m trying to cram in rest so I can maintain a non-burn out balance. Between the two, I have no time for actual life. Plenty of time to think, but not much else. Even just a minute to sit down and write an entry has been something I’ve been looking weeks for.

My uncle has been bored and reaching out. Emailing me websites to look at, and engaging in banter. He’s recently retired and doesn’t know what to do with himself. He and my Dad were the closest, like two peas in a pod. I wish I had more time to spend with him, I can tell he wants to.

Another customer, Mike, made me sit down and listen to a pile of unsolicited advice after I did a service for him (normally I wouldn’t, but he’s a good guy, and he has Parkinson disease, so I felt more inclined). He talked for a long while, long after I wanted to be home and in the shower at least, and after I finally did make it home, he was following up with further text messages on the subject, thanking me for listening, that kind of thing- and I just can’t summon the energy to respond even an acknowledgement.

Girlfriend’s birthday is next week, I have no idea what I’m going to do for her.

Mother’s wedding is at the end of the month, and I’m going to be in it. I am so sick of being dragged back to fucking Church by my goddamn wedding/funeral happy family, but I do support my mother, and I am so happy she has another partner to look after her.

My best friend since 7th grade is coming to visit from across the country, will have been 5 years or so since last I’ve seen him, but he expects to crash with me- though my house is a bit like a third world country, and his standards for cleanliness are rather, shall we say, german. My only shower is slowly collapsing in on itself from all directions, but I refuse to fix it because once I get my master bathroom completed I am gutting that entire room.

I suppose that’s enough of the drama of daily minutia. I’ve been so busy I haven’t had a chance to get this basic level shit out of my brain, so I am forced to share it here like an absolute Basic Bro. Which I absolutely am.

I can’t stop listening to this song on a loop. And I can’t stop staring at this picture. What a beautiful child; beautiful mother. It’s easy to forget that beauty exists in overwhelming force. I do hate that it is so.


Last updated May 03, 2023


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