rodeo thoughts in 2014

9:07pm

So I've been into this cowboy thing lately. Getting back to my roots, or something. ;-) I mean I had a severe obsession with horses when I was a kid. I wore boots, and fringe, and cowgirl hats. The whole deal. And secretly I thought I could become the "horse whisperer" when I was bigger. hah.

I have these dreams of owning a home out in the country. A ranch of sorts. With animals everywhere and a porch swing. [Mom thinks I don't know how much work it is. ha! I predict lots of early mornings and never being able to leave. I'm okay with all that!]

Anyway, I'm debating going to the fair this year. Same way I debated it last year and ultimately stayed home. I was reading through the paper today and saw the schedule of events. For some reason I have a hankering to go to the bull riding. [Did I just say hankering? gee it's taken over more of my life than I thought! haha. Not to mention some kind of accent I've picked up. Too much country music maybe?]

I was mentioning this [over]thinking of the fair to Mom and she said something about how I had friends now I could go with. I laughed and asked what she was talking about because I don't have any friends. [It's a joke in my family, my lack of friends, mostly on purpose, and so not an insult] She mentioned the Neighbor and how he's always asking me to hang out. Only he's been really 'political' on fb lately and it's getting on my nerves. If that's the only thing he's interested in these days I can't imagine having in person conversation for hours. So there went that idea.

Then she said I also had the "cowboy" and I pretended not to know who she was talking about. She also fished for whether or not he had a girlfriend. After laughing about it some and teasing her, I admitted I knew she meant CK and that I didn't think we were on that kind of friendship level. Not enough to ask him to go to the fair with me. And we all know I would be the one doing the asking. =|

That conversation ended quickly. Not that I hadn't contemplated the idea at least once before. But you know, coming back from Vegas, I really have this new mindset on the whole thing. I am not willing to chase him and I'm not sure what his intentions were, but I've given him every opportunity I could think of and that's all I've got. The ball isn't in my court anymore and I can't sit here and agonize over the whole situation. It's hurting me more than it should be.

Back to living my life and doing my own thing. I said I was going to focus on the List this year and I need to remember to get back to that. Who knows, maybe someday we'll run into each other again and it'll all be different. For now I'm moving my focus to something that I have control over. That makes the most sense to me!

I'd still like to go to the rodeo part of the fair though I'm not sure if that'll actually happen. We'll see if I find the motivation some where in the next few days. Kind of running out of time on this. But I'm pretty sure I'll have this same conversation with myself every year so don't hold it against me.

The rest of life is basically the same. I'm trying to recover from all the social interaction I've had lately. It's like my batteries keep getting unplugged before they're fully charged though. I've gotta find some quiet place outdoors to just sit by myself for a long while. Either that or sleep all day.

You'd think running would be a good option in this situation. Time alone, lots of endorphines and all that. But I haven't found the motivation to get outside. Mostly I think it's a fear of being seen and/or running into people. This is when my shyness and social anxiety become an issue. When I can't even walk around the block because I don't want to see anyone. I'm sure it also has to do with the fact that I probably suck at running and it must look like I'm walking quickly. That's kind of embarrassing to think about. I'm going to have to just throw a hat on, pull it down low, and go. It'll never happen if I don't just go for it. Because I know it's not really as bad as my mind's making it out to be.

For now I seem to have too many other obligations to even consider a run outdoors, or too much time alone. Off to bed. I have to be up early in the morning.

rose.
10:24pm

Last updated August 04, 2014