well enough alone in 2014

11:18pm

Man, it is hot here! Hitting the 100s already and we're only half-way through May. I don't know how I'm going to last the summer. I might actually have to invest in a fan this year. Mostly just for the nights because I cannot sleep with this weather. You can only take off so many layers, which is why I've always enjoyed the cold a lot more.

They said maybe it would cool down a bit more by the weekend, but sometimes they lie. I've currently paused the music to try to hear the weatherman in the living room [not literally, he's on TV silly!]. Yikes! He just said it would be 98 here tomorrow. I guess that's "cooling down" compared to 102 today. At least I'll be at work and able to sit in the nice cool air conditioning.

Also, it's my birthday. So there will be that to combat my sadness. ;-)

It doesn't really feel like it will be any different than all the other days. I mean I love birthdays, but they really don't translate into too much. Another year. And I'm starting to feel old.

I'll probably just eat too much food and drink too much [after work, of course]. I'm still pondering the fair thing but I haven't found anyone to go with. Basically I'm in it for the homemade cheesecake and potato salad. That's all I've asked for this year. We'll probably do another dinner on Friday out at the steakhouse. That tends to be the place we all gather on birthdays and such. Plus my Uncle's been wanting to go there for months so it's kind of a perfect excuse for more excellent food.

There's some admitting I have to do here: I've sorta been bummed about this CK thing all day. I know, I know! I need to let it go already, but when have I ever been able to do something like that so easily?

It's just that I'm kind of beating myself up about it. I also know I shouldn't do that. It's hard not to let your thoughts wander in that direction. Like maybe I did something wrong. Pushed too hard. Was too forward. You can only contact someone so many times before it starts to feel like you're totally crowding them. That's the impression I'm getting.

And maybe I never should have sent that first text message. I should have listened to the signs. I mean my phone literally rejected the message and sent it back to me. That probably meant something I wasn't supposed to ignore. Honestly, had he not looked so sad and downtrodden the day before I would have held back. I couldn't stop myself though. I'm a sucker for the broken. It's this awful need I have to try and fix everyone. I should really work on butting out of it instead!

If he didn't have my number I certainly wouldn't feel bummed every time I glance at my phone and there's nothing there. I'm not usually like this. Checking it to see if he's decided to say anything today, which he never seems to do.

The whole thing just sorta makes my heart ache. In ways I wish it wouldn't. But I thought that perhaps I'd found someone to connect with. I've needed that lately and he was there and I thought it would be fun to have a new friend. Now I see how I should have listened to myself and let things work themselves out. How many times did I say that in here?

I've never been very good at listening.

So that brings me to the present where I get to sit and let the days roll on. Everything still reminds me of him. I'm slowly getting better at not having him take over all my quiet moments, but that's probably because I haven't seen him in a while. [Or spoken to him, because I did see him Saturday when he pulled up outside and hung out with the neighbors. No interest in this house though...] It's easy to ignore something when it's not there. Or "easier" at least.

I guess I thought things were going to work out differently. I leapt too fast. Did the whole feet first thing all of a sudden when I should have left well enough alone.

Lesson learned, world! You win...

rose.
11:53pm

Last updated August 04, 2014